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Fun Stuff |
| ANCIENT ANECDOTES |  |
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A man was being tailgated
by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car...........   A tough old cowboy from Missoula, Montana, counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103. When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be !! |
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Popcorn Chicken Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing. Imagine that. When I found it, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try. BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN 6-7 lb. Chicken 1 cup melted butter 1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.) 1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S Low Fat) Salt/pepper to taste Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done. And you thought I couldn't cook..... |
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| Instructions for cleaning
a toilet : 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times.This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".</ B> 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet,streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean. Sincerely, The Dog |
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| BEFORE
MARRIAGE John: Ah… At last….I can hardly wait Jane: Do you want me to leave? John: NO! Don’t even think about it! Jane: Do you love me? John: Of course! Always have and always will Jane: Have you ever cheated on me? John: No! Why are you even asking? Jane: Will you kiss me? John: Every chance I get! Jane: Will you hit me? John: Hell no! Are you crazy? Jane: Can I trust you? John: Yes! Jane: Darling! AFTER MARRIAGE......  Read from the bottom up |
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| One day an Irishman, who
had been stranded on a deserted island for more than 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself,'It's certainly not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blond! The glamorous blond strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?' 'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet-suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Faith and b'gorrah,' Said the man, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be. 'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmills Irish Whiskey?' asked the blond. Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.'Hearing that, the blond reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the Gods!' stated the Irishman.'Tis truly fantastic!!!' At this point the gorgeous blond started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?' With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed 'Jesus, Mary and Joseph! don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!' |
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A
research team proceeded towards the apex |
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| A Queenslander
is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on his mobile
phone and as he listens to the call he starts grinning from ear to ear. Once he disconnects he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink. The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd around keen to know what they are celebrating. "Well" he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds". Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland . Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy." Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "STREWTH" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar. The bartender says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks; we were going to call you. So - how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers: "17 pounds". The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!" The Queensland father takes a l-o-n-g s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says .... "Had him circumcised!"  |
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Experience
gained over three score years and ten +
Given here to you free, so........ READ EACH ONE SLOWLY AND INWARDLY DIGEST. 1. A day without sunshine is like night. 2. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 6. He who laughs last thinks the slowest. ....  7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. 14. OK, so what's the speed of dark? ..  15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines 19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? ...  20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?' 22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. 23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. (Don't say a word 
) 24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos. "What you do today. might burn your ass tomorrow |
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| Normally
my inscrurable countenance hides the inner emtion of my being, however upon reading the anecdote of the two old men, my composure was somewhat eroded. Yes, I laughed. Now I commend their adventure to you........... TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.' THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!' 'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.' HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.' 'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?' I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'.............. |
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| WHY CONDOMS
COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12 A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex.' 'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.' He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,' Why are there 3 in this package?' The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.' 'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?' 'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.' 'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for married men. One for January, one for ....February, one for March.......'  |
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Remembering....
The Land That Made Me....... Me!.... |
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CARELESS
TALK........... |
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There
are so many birthdays, anniversaries, Mother's Day, Valentines day
and special holidays to remember I suggested to my wife that it
would save a lot of heartache and embarrassment over my forgetfulness
if we could agree upon a day and have one present to cover all the
eventualities.
To my astonishment she agreed. So I said, "O.K. What would you like?" She hmm'd and erred, and mused, then finally she said " You choose, something with diamonds in it!" So I bought her a pack of playing cards! Well she started it!
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| Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy. 'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?' The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him... Are you ready for this?     Sum Ting Wong |
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How about this then..............
ARTIE was a hit man  but
a very cheap hitman 
at $1 a time they didn't come any cheaper.So when FRED decided to
have his wife bumped off 
he went to ARTIE. ARTIE asked FRED: Wheredoes she go and what does she wear? "Always to Walmart" replied FRED "and she wears a red flower in her lapel." They agreed the deed would be done the very next day. ARTIE hid behind the frozen veg until he saw a lady wearing a red flower. He pounced.... and strangled her.... there, job done! Or so he thought until he saw another lady wearing a red flower walking down the aisle. "I've got it wrong" 
he muttered to himself and he strangled her as well. His luck couldn't hold, and he was caught and tried. The headline in the paper read: < < < < < < < Artie chokes two for a $1 at Walmart. .... 
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COUNT DRACULA.........
Count Dracula is on the pull in London. He spends the night drinking Bloody Mary's in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks. He's heading for home, along Bond Street sometime before dawn. Suddenly he's hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmmm, he thinks. What's going on here? A few yards further on and........BANG. Smacked on the back of the head again! He whirls round as quick as he can - nothing. Again he looks down and there's a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd! A few more yards further along the street and........crash. Smacked on the back of the head yet again! He whirls round as quick as he can nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there's a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing. He walks a few yards further along again when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickled onion. On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath he gasps, "Who the hell are you?" ... "BUFFET, the vampire slayer." .....  |
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She
said, "Daffyd, will you love me, always?"
I said, "Sure, which way do you want me to try first?" < < < < < < <  "What? What?........
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| An elderly
couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret looked him over. "Nope." Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"  Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!" Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope", she replied......  "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!" Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."  |
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| The Back
Pew A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.' The entire congregation said, 'Amen.' |
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| Life's
A B C's A is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won't float! Age before beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic instead. Now.....er humm!  The Alphabet A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac? D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line! F is for fissures and fluid retention, G is for gas which I'd rather not mention. H high blood pressure--I'd rather it low; I for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend. L is for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget what comes next. N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, bones that don't grow! P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new! Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two. S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears! U is for urinary; troubles with flow; V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know. W for worry, NOW what's going 'round? X is for X ray, and what might be found. Y for another year I'm left here behind, Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind. *I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!! HAVE A GREAT DAY. |
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A
young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry
a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary
society. After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive
through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.
"William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?" "Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time." "Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the monks only used to give us an apple..." ======================================= A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something. "Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?" "Yes, officer... I know I was speeding--but it is a matter of life or death." "Oh, really? How's that?" "There's a naked woman waiting for me at home." "I don't see how that is a matter of life or death." "If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."================================= An obnoxious guy walks into the neighbourhood bar and sits next to a local honey already having her first beverage. As he tries to strike up a conversation she keeps ignoring him. Finally he says, "You know me, why don't you talk to me?" She replies, "Yes, I know you, you're Morgan - big M, small organ. ======================================== SMILE AND YOU'LL RUIN YOUR REPUTATION! |
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The
banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that
he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.' Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon. About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker. Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.' The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'and how's the hired hand?' Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.' |
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A
HIGHLAND DRINK........  A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn. A Gamekeeper shouts, 'Dinnae drink thon waater! It's foo ae coo's keech an' pish!' The man replies, 'My Good fellow, I'm English. Could you repeat that in English for me.' The keeper replies, 'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!!  |
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........
another blonde..
 A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up. It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, 'What's going on here?' 'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly 'Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' he asks. 'Helllooooooo!!!!' says the blonde. 'Those are my emergency flashers! 
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MEANWHILE
I'm looking for more jokes....... back soon.... |
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| A true
scot. A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist. The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up, and eyes it critically. 'How much to repair it?' the Scot asks the pharmacist. 'Six pence,' says the pharmacist. 'How much for a new one?' 'Ten pence,' says the pharmacist. The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging. A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by an even greater shout. The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist. 'The regiment has taken a vote,' the Scot says. 'We'll have a new one.'  
What? WHAT? |
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Can you help me with this one?.........
 A LADY...... It is nice to see a lady who has elegance and poise Well manicured and feminine not like those smelly boys A lady walks with dignity, she sips her wine or gin And unlike boozy fellas doesn't dribble down her chin A lady has a certain charm that captures peoples hearts Her image is unblemished................ That is until she...????? ...............That is until she.....er..er.. ............................That is.... ...  |
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All
hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair, and now...
the wax. My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'' So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (Cold wax, 'yeah... right!') I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With me next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek. (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself... RRRRIIIPPP!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!!!! Another deep breathe and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out... must stay conscious... Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe... OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DANG!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!! I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment- I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.. in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few moths ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter- 'So, my butt and who-who are glued together to the bottom of the tub!' There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or who-who?' She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!! RIGHT! !!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various sol ut ions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace... the lotion the give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared then heck out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!! It works!!' I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!!! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color.... |
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WOW!
That takes some beating....
All I got is a few pertinent questions...... ...... and some tongue in cheek answers.. Q:
Where can women over the age of 60 find younger Q:
What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? Q:
How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+year old husband? Q:
How can you avoid spotting wrinkles every time you walk by a mirror? Q:
Why should 60+year old people use valet parking? Q:
Is it common for 60+year olds to have problems with short term
memory storage? Q:
As people age, do they sleep more soundly? Q:
Where should 60+year olds look for eye glasses? Q:
What is the most common remark made by 60+year olds when they
enter antique stores? Perhaps
you remember the questions......eh? What? |
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| IT DOESN'T
HURT TO HAVE A LITTLE SPIRITUAL HUMOR ONCE IN A WHILE....THESE ARE
REALLY CUTE. Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth? A. Ruthless. Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ? A. German Shepherds. Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation. Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet. Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord. Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson. He brought the house down. Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home. Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once. Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing. Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible? A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep. Q. Which Bible character had no parents? A. Joshua, son of Nun. Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ? A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. ( Groan ...) PS. Did you know it's a man's job to make coffee? Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . . 'He-brews' KEEP SMILING!!!! GOD LOVES YOU BUNCHES AND BUNCHES!!!! Friends are God's way of taking care of us. |
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| STORY OF ELIJAH
|
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THE
POWER OF ZEN
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre. The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it. Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any. Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. Remember, no-one is listening until you break wind[size="4"][/size]. Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. Have you ever lent someone ?20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. A closed mouth gathers no feet. There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving. Never miss a good chance to shut up. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our behind. From there on in, life gets worse The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed. Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just #$@% off and leave me alone. |
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| Only God
can save the world, not science
That has to be the best comedic one liner in biblical history! |
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| There
was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her
brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady. "Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning." A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation." There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets." While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust." A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... " A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business" People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention. A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'" Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming." The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist! Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk! |
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| A man
decided that it was time to teach his son how to say prayers, so he
spent a few nights teaching the son the basics. After the kid had
learned them well enough to say on his own, the father instructed
him that after he was done with the prayers each night, he was to
choose someone special and ask for God's blessing for that person.
Well, little kids don't always realise that their pets aren't a person, so the first night the little boy said his prayers, he ended with "And God, please bless my puppy." The guy thought that it was pretty cute. However, the next morning the little dog ran out the door and was killed by a car. That night the little kid asked God to bless his cat when the prayers were finished. And, sure enough, the next morning the cat slipped out and took on the biggest dog in the neighbourhood and became breakfast. The father had started to make a connection here, but decided that it was just coincidence. But when the kid asked God to bless his goldfish, the father couldn't wait for morning so that he could check up on it. As soon as he looked in the bowl, he saw the fish floating upside down on the top. That night the little kid ended with "God, please give an extra special blessing to my father." The father couldn't sleep. He couldn't eat breakfast in the morning. He was afraid to drive to work. He couldn't get any work done because he was petrified. Finally quitting time came and he walked home, expecting to drop dead any minute. When he arrived home, the house was a mess. His wife was lying on the couch still dressed in her robe. The dishes from breakfast were still on the table and the father was furious. He started yelling at his wife, telling her that he had had the worst day of his life and she hadn't even gotten dressed. She looked at him and said, "Shut up! My day was worse. The mailman had a heart attack on our front porch!" Hands up how many suspected the milkman.......... |
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| In the
beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with
a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement.
He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied
with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part, issued by one
pedantic official by the name of Sebastian Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, "Let there be light." Sebastian immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Sebastian replied that he was not interested in semantics. God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed." The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Sebastian jumped in and pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society. Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Sebatian informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before... At this point God created Hell! |
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| Lord, as I stumble through this life, help me to create more laughter than tears, dispense more happiness than gloom, spread more cheer than despair. Never let me become so indifferent that I will fail to see the wonder in the eyes of a child or the twinkle in the eyes of the aged. Never let me forget that my total effort is to cheer people, make them happy, and forget, at least for the moment, all the unpleasant things in their lives. And, Lord in my final moment, may I hear you whisper: When you made My people smile, you made Me smile. Amen.
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| 'Wooden
Leg Insurance'
Always did find the Newfoundland
Logic far superior to most others!!! 'Wooden Leg Insurance' *Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.*
- The Spoon For all of you who frequent utilise restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization. Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but when another waiter brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, 'Why the spoon?' 'Well', he explained, 'the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.' As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.I was very impressed. Then a while later I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So I called the waiter over again and asked him.. 'Excuse me,but can you tell me why you have that string right there?' 'Oh,
certainly!'. Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant.
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.' What
follows should once again confirm that the most important information "It makes your pecker look bigger."...... --------------------
Technical Support? Now this ain't yer technical... technical support, but she does need help, poor darlin' A
Blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman,
"I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman
assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He
shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a
hard time |
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