Afore y'all git intuh the tales o' mah Pappy ah would kindly direct your attention to the URL This is designed to give y'all a flavour of the conditions and the times mah Pappy and mah Grand pappy lived through..... they were known as the GOOD OLE DAYS......

Really Old Pictures 

Ah had been doing a bit o' 'spar kin' with Ophelia Bottom (Hmm... she knows how to make a country boy smile) and mah mind wuz on other things when ah idly let slip an errant thought....."Pappy, what do you think about wedding rings fer men?"

"Well son,ah look at it this way, they are tourniquets that stop a bodies circulation...iffin you follow mah drift!"

Ah hadn't quite followed his drift because still thinking of Ophelia and rings, ah then asked mah Pappy if he could lend me $20!

"Tell me son" mah Pappy sed as he looked at me askance "How much money y'all got?"

"Why...er about $26.50...what fer?" ah stammered, snapping out of mah reverie.

"Then y'all have enough money tuh last yuh the rest o' your life...  unless you buy something!" He continued, "You know mah boy, light travels faster than sound, this is why some folk appear bright until you hear them speak. If yuh take mah advice y'all will remain a man o' few words."

Ole Yellah at this point wuz stung by a bee and he jumped up with a yelp and sent mah Pappy's jug a- spinning. "Dang and re-intarnation" exploded mah Pappy as he rescued the jug afore a drop wuz spilled

"What the dickens is re-intarnation, Pappy? ah sed, a tad taken aback.

"Hmm... re-intarnation son" sed mah Pappy. "Is coming back to life as a hillbilly's lazy ole dog. Then y'all got, cashstration..  no.. no.. listen son.. cashstration.. that is the act o' buying some property which then renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. Now mah personal favourite is sarchasm, that there being the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit, and the person who doesn't get it!

"Y'all still with me?"

"Ah get it Pappy" ah sed. "How about Ignoranus, a person who is both stupid and an asshole? 

We both turned at the sound of someone approaching, it wuz Eli Doune. We just looked at each other and nodded!

Ah had just got back from the barn after settling our only plough horse, Alma Knack down fer the night. She had just turned over mah Pappy's mini 'baccy' plantation ready fer the Spring planting. As ah walked across the yard ah saw Pappy on the porch with on old cowboy ah thought looked familiar. They wuz sharing a jug as well as a few old memories.

"Come on over here son" mah Pappy croaked. Ah reckon the 'shine' hadn't yet loosened his bronchial tubes. "Come on over and set a spell, this here is Jedidiah Colt, bronco buster and sharp shooter extraordinary, ah come ah visting."

Ah strolled over and shook his extended gnarled hand. Dang that grip almost crushed mah hand tuh pulp. To cover up mah pain ah got out a question about the fact in this day and age he wuz still toting  a western style six shooter, even when he wasn't performing.

Shuckins.... Ah never thought that thar wuz still that amount of fervour about. It appears tuh me that owning a gun is like having a toothbrush.....not all o' them are used properly.
Ah heerd that in Europe they get by purdy well without the same passion fer carrying or owning a weapon.
Mah Pappy sed he took a trip over there one time and it weren't all ancient ruins like what we see on them thar historical TV shows, no siree! They got real cities, towns and such, why Pappy sed he even saw a McDonald's and a Kentucky Fried Chicken?Burger King.... Now ain't that a kick in thu head?
There is a lot o' derogatory stuff sed about the South, but y'all never hear of anyone retiring and moving up North.
Trouble is the mortar between the building blocks of life and folks can't steer clear of it since old Adam and his side kick EVe in the Garden of Eden.
Pappy sed, "It weren't the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden."
Another pearl o' wisdom that evolved from his whisky laden brain wuz "Men are only ever smart during sex" (please excuse mah forth righteousness in this matter) "that's because they are plugged into a genius"

When ah aksed him to explain he just sed he was probably having a CRAFT moment.... "What on earth is a CRAFT moment?"
ah enquired.

"Can't Remember A Flipping Thing!" he mumbled.

Pappy's Mobile Home

We'all brought it into the 21st century by installing some store bought goods an' a kitchen unit Betty May Lou was about tuh throw out when she renovated her Momma's ole place.

Mah Pappy wuz a sittin' contemplating his latest acquisition, his Mobile Home! Ah could see he wuz right pleased with his purchase.

"That must of set you back a passel" ah ventured.

"Well.... yes and no" sed mah Pappy. "You see yuh have to be able to do a little wheelin' and dealin' Ole Chick Kuhn wuz a fixing a fer sale sign on this here piece o' property when ah approached him and aksed him if he wuz a man o' his word. O' course he wuz a taken aback and protested that o' course he wuz! So ah sed ah had a proposition fer him"

"An what would that be?" queeried Chick

"Well" mah Pappy sed," Ah have a conundrum that needs some answering, iffin y'all git it right you can have mah prize bull. Iffin you git it wrong.... then that thar Mobile Home becomes mine!"

"Hmm" Well ah gotta hear the ...the... er ..er conundrum first, and give it some considering." countered Chick.

"Fair enough" sed mah Pappy, "But if you accept, then y'all gotta be a man o' yer word and stick to the deal."

"Deal" sed Chick, and they both spit on their hands and shook tuh seal the contract.

"Here's the question" sed mah Pappy. "Who makes the most wool, a sheep or a bull?"

Chick smiled, that sorta gottcha smile, "The sheep of course!" he exploded.

"Nope!" sed mah Pappy, "The bull"
"He can do fifty Jersey's a night and still have two balls left over!"

"Arrh buttt...arrgh.. y'all tricked me" sed Chick

"Yer mean you ain't a man o' yer word?" sed mah Pappy.....
...... an that's how mah Pappy came by his new requisition.

"There ain't much o' a kitchen Pappy, how's Maw gonna cook?

"Son, yer Maw was given a cookery book when we got married, but she's never bin able tuh use it. Every recipe started, 'TAKE A CLEAN DISH'

"Maw won't take kindly to that, Pappy!" ah protested.

"Son, at the beginning of any relationship, every gal treats her boyfriend as a GOD. Later on somewhere along the way, the letters git reversed."

Mah Pappy is a legend in his own lunchtime!

                 Ole 'Chick' Kuhn

Mah Ole Pappy is something of a raconteur and mostly after supper we retire to the porch, and set a while, sorta contemplating and at times commenting on the plight of our fellow rednecks and the state o' the Union. Mah Pappy has his 'chewing baccy' and a jug o' shine is always within reach. Pappy does most o' the talking and ah do a whole heap o' listening....and larning. Maw contributes from time to time ( always with a gem, or one o' they 'cut 'em down to size' remarks) and to complete our group, there's ole Yellah, Pappy's dawg!

Now, read on............

Now seeing as how mah Pappy knowed about most everything who better than to ask about 'Eddyket' behaviour at social functions and so on.......

So ah got mah after supper chores done and scurried out tuh the porch were mah Pappy retires to fer his after dinner sipping session. Him, ole Yellah, his Jug and a generous wad o' chewing tobacco can be found there most nights.  Settling in at a safe distance from the obligatory spitoon ah awaited the moment fer the conversation to begin. Pappy looked over tuh me, quizzical like and sed, "O.K. boy, what's on yer mind?"

"Well Pappy seeing as how ah am approaching that age when a fellah feels the sap a rising and he begins tuh see them thar female creatures in a different light, ah wuz a wunderin iffin you would enlighten me in the ways o' social graces. Etiquette ah believe it is called."

"Hmm! Well boy ah had no idea y'all wuz of that age, tempest fugit innat. EDDYKET you say?" mah Pappy mused."Let's see now.... ah would say in general first off....always identify people in your paddocks before drawing down on them. If y'all invite someone to stay over and have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. It ain't considered good eddyket to take your pick-up and trailer to a funeral, even if you are certain you are included in the will.

Then there's that thar DINING OUT experience, when decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not tuh bruise the wine. Of course iffin y'all are drinking from a jug hold it only with one hand and make sure it sits well on yer shoulder just in the crick o' yer neck. If y'all are entertaining in yer home make sure that the table centrepiece is not something you've shot and stuffed. Another thing," and at this juncture he turned toward ole Yellah and aimed a spurt o' baccy juice, missing him by centimetres,"Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners."

Mah Pappy paused to allow this information to etch itself on mah brain, ah sat there in awe at these revelations. Ah never thought that emerging from puberty to adulthood would be so complicated.

"There is another thing that y'all must consider," mah Pappy continued, " It is a matter not consider to highly by some, but as an emerging entity intending to mix with 'society' folk and that is 'Personal Hygiene' Now while ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN pick-up keys. Then there is deoderant, even if you live alone deoderant isn't a waste o' money, but baer in mind extensive use of deoderant can only delay bathing by a month or two. Then there is dirt and grease, now dirt and grease under your finger nails is definitely frowned upon, not only that but it alters the taste of finger foods".

Now that was a whole heap of information fer a body to take in at one sitting and mah head was buzzing with all these details, but mah Pappy was in full flow and there wuz no time fer assimulating the full intracacies of ETIQUETTE.

It extended into areas that ah never thought possible, dating fer instance, Pappy sed, "On a first date always offer to put the fish bait on your date's hook" Now there you see, it is just these little touches that can make or break a relationship. Pappy continued, " Be assertive. Let that gal know y'all are interested, say something like, " I've bin wanting to go out with you ever since ah read that stuff about y'all on the dunny door two years ago! That lets her know you are interested and also eddykated enough to be able tuh read."

You see how mah Pappy established mah credentials straight off without appearing to brag, now that's mountain fox cunning. "Iffin y'all on talking terms with her parents, establish what time she is expected back from your date. Some might say 11.00pm, others might say 'Monday' If it is the latter it is the beau's responsibility to get her to school on time. Now the 'biggee' if y'all get around to weddings, kissing the bride fer more'n five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity, especially if there is excessive use of the tongue. An boy there's a dress code tuh consider. The groom should at least, rent a tux. A track suit with a cummer-bund can create a tacky appearance. It might be a tad uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes fer the occasion. Oh, and another thing if y'all experience a break down when out motoring with your new bride and you send her off down the road with a petrol can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back a six pack too." 

Now Pappy had all but dried up after that outburst and he reached fer his jug and made some serious inroads into its contents.

Ah wuz totally amazed at so much information being forthcoming from such an innocent question, ah wuz gonna have to do some serious reflecting on this emergence into adulthood.

Pappy having slaked his thirst, sat a smiling to himself. "What's amusing y'all now Pappy?" ah ventured. He looked over tuh me and giggled some, "Look over younder" he sed, and spat some 'baccy' juice in the general direction. Ah looked but all ah saw was a fresh set o' mole hills. "Y'all mean those mole hills?" ah enquired. "Yup" he replied, and a grin spread out over his face."Did ah ever tell yuh about that thar family of moles?" Well ah couldn't quite recollect any tell of a family of moles so ah replied in the negative.

"Well sonny," he began, "A family of moles had bin hibernating all winter when one beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!"  The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking.

                                                    "I can't smell anything down here but molasses...."

On this partikilar morning ah wuz up early because Maw had aksed me to chop up a few cords o' wood fer the stove and bring it on over to thu house. Ah saw mah Pappy awashing his self at the pump. He looked up as ah approached and ah was a mite shocked. He wuz looking as tired as an overburdened mule and he had the brightest 'shiner' ah had ever seen outside a bar brawl.

"Pappy" ah exclaimed, "Dang y'all look like a burro chewing a wasp, and what in tarnation happened to your eye?"

Pappy snatch at the burlap towel hanging on the nail and covered up the psychedelic patch that encompassed his eye. "Jeeze Pappy, y'all bin argyin politics with Uncle Jed again?" ah ventured.

He drew the burlap from around his eye, and boy wuz it a beauty? "No... no son...it weren't but one o' they so-called 'domestics'  Y'all should watch out for them if and when y'all ever git hitched!"

Ah stood there mah arms loaded up with kindling.....awaiting fer an explanation. Pappy seeing that his preliminary explanation would not suffice mah curiosity, continued.......

"All night yer Maw kept prodding me in the back saying, 'Wake up, wake up, yer talking in your sleep again. Why can't you control yerself?'

Ah sed, 'We'll make a bargain, you let me talk when I'm awake and I'll try and control myself when I'm asleep.'........... That's when she introduced me to her left elbow........."

"Women!" Ah opined, "how are we sposed to unnerstand them?"

"Trouble is son, " mah Pappy mused, "By the time y'all can read a woman like a book, your library ticket has expired."

Mah mind raced on a spell as ah contemplated the scene and the consequences of a loose tongue. "Pappy, what would you rather give up .....shine or women?"

Mah Pappy may have suffered some as his face was temporarilly re-arranged, but his mind.... and his tongue was as sharp as ever. "What would ah rather give up..... wine or women.... hmmm... depends on the vintage son. You see shine has that magical quality that makes the vintage of a woman...... er....acceptable.!"

Ah followed mah Pappy over tuh the barn to assist him in a few chores and concern must o' bin plain tuh see on mah face........

"Dont y'all go a worrying there son,there are but two days in every week about which we should not worry; two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension".

Ah knowed, ah just knowed that ah wuz about tuh be treated to soupcon of knowledge from that great man......

Pappy continued, "One of these days is Yesterday, with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed, forever beyond our control. Son, y'all mind this, all the money in the world cannot bring back Yesterday. We can't undo a single act we performed; we can't erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone"

These words were being carved in stone on mah memory, this was true knowledge. Ah snapped out of mah momentary reverie and concentrated as mah Pappy continued......

"The other day we should not worry about is Tommorrow, with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance.Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control. Tomorrow's sun will rise, either in splendor, or behind a mask of clouds - but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in Tomorrow, for it is yet unborn."

Mah mind wuz in a whirl, how could ah take all this in, how could one man know some much..... concentrate, concentrate.... listen up, ah told mahself......

Pappy paused, looked around the barn as he considered the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune that had beset him in his lifetime, sighed and sed, "This leaves only one day - TODAY - Anyone can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when we add the burdens of those two awful eternities - Yesterday and Tomorrow, that we break down".

Those were the most eddykated statements ah had ever heard mah Pappy issue....  he turned to me and looked me straight in the eye......

"Son, it is not the experience of TODAY that drives people mad - it is the remorse or bitterness for something which happened Yesterday and the dread of what Tomorrow may bring.  We should all therefore, live but one day at a time! "

Ah wuz so taken aback ah almost cried out with joy........ HALLELUJAH!!!!!!

        Uncle Jed

Ah wuz puzzled a tad when ah started to compile a family tree because other than their given Christian names mah relatives appeared to have one thing in common...... their surname! Now this wuz a good start to our evening conflab....so ah aksed mah Pappy why this wuz!

"Well boy" confided mah Pappy "Kentucky has a population of five million people and only fifteen last names.....we are a close knit population and not given to sharing something as important as our surnames, but our genes git sorta watered down.

Y'all remember Mary Jane, she wuz a cousin of yourn, a twin, who was suicidal.....well she killed her sister by mistake!

Then there wuz your uncle Jed, he has Kleptomania, but when it gets bad, he takes something for it!

Ah allus say, you can pick your friends and pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends on the couch!"

Now that outburst wuz so profound ah wuz totally wiped out! Mah Pappy had a way of leading you up to the precipice edge and then .....pushing you over!

"Reality is only an illusion" mah Pappy continued," that occurs due to the lack of alcohol." He paused, spit out the excess 'baccy' juice, reached fer his jug and took a healthy swallow. He wiped his mouth on the back of his hand, smacked his lips and laid down the jug.

Looking into the distance he said, "You know son ah love cooking with wine." Now that was a bolt from the blue. He continued," Sometimes ah even put it in the food."

Now that really shook me, ah never ever seen mah Pappy anywhere near the kitchen, the domain of 'her that must be obeyed!'

"Pappy" ah exclaimed, "You allus sed the kitchen wuz off limits lessen Maw demanded yer presence."

"Son, a piece of advice, if a man has enough sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag!"

There followed one o' they pregnant pauses, one ah felt ah just had to break with a piece of profundity of mah own........

"Corduroy pillows are making headlines!"

That left mah Pappy bemused an' speechless.........

Pappy wuz still puzzling over mah remarks the following morning and he wuz looking a tad peek-ed..... worried, ah mention that he wuz not his usual satorial self.....mebbe a little thinning of the hair and more wrinkles than usual.

"Ah ain't at all peterbed about mah hair gitten thin on top...... don't you know boy, fat hair ain't healthy?  As fer wrinkled, well wrinkled was not one o' the things ah wanted to be when ah grew up. Wrinkles now, they are something other people have, much the same as mah character lines. But y'all gotta consider this, being over the hill is better than being under it!"

"What y'all do with yerself all week  Pappy?" ah hastened trying to change the subject.

"Hmm, let me see, Monday tuh Friday..... nuthin...

Saturday and Sunday..... why ah rest, that's what ah do...full seven day week son."

He cut himself a wad of 'chewing baccy' and placed it carefully in his mouth 'tween the inside o' his cheek and the four molar on the left side...... ah could almost hear his mind whirring.

"Do you know boy, chickens are the only animal we eat afore they are born, and after they are dead?

He gave a little wince as he chomped down on the wad.....

"Another thing, that there toothache, now that's a pain that drives a body to extraction!"

He eased the 'baccy' into a more favourable position and continued.......

"Ah went to one o' they nude beach resorts one time and as no one was around ah thought ah'd give it a try. Ah stripped off and lay down naked to do some o' that all over sunbathing. Now to hide mah modesty, and keep it from gitten sunburned ah cover up mah privates with mah hat.

A woman walked by in one o'  they neck to knee bathing costumes and sniggered, "If y'all were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

Ah gave her mah ten dollar smile and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

Well the memory o' that day set mah Pappy of a laughing fit tuh burst!

Pappy had bin setting out on the porch fer a spell afore ah joined him, having to finish up mah chores after supper an all. He had that sorta relaxed red flush spreading up from the collar of his shirt to the high reaches of his gaunt cheekbones.

"Y'all finished up yer chores boy?" he questioned.

"Yep, Pappy! All done and dusted fer today. Y'all feeling all right Pappy , you look a tad flushed and a little more wrinkled than usual?" ah ventured.

"Son", (he often called me son on account he could never remember mah name)

"Life is like a hot bath, it feels mighty good while you are in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled y'all git!"

Now ain't that something? Ah told yah mah Pappy was one o' they raconteurs, he can take a tale, twist it, spit it out and sound like that Chinese fellow Confucius.

Without missing a beat he was straight into his evening 'sermon on the porch' so tuh speak...

"Do you know the most expensive vehicle per mile is a shopping cart?" Pappy confided.Now that came straight out of left field and ah was not expecting that. We were going to be in fer random snatches of his reminisces, so best be alert.

"Another thing, do you know what ah did before ah married yer Maw?  Anything ah wanted too! Yer Maw and I were happy fer twenty years.....then we met!"

Ah thought it was about time ah contributed to the conversation so ah opened with, "Everywhere ah go ah seem to see pregnant women."

Pappy sed, "Must be something in the air.!

"Like what?" I countered.

"FEET! " cackled mah Pappy! 

He was so chesty he never laughed out loud no more, just a throaty cackle when he enjoyed his own wit!

Ah must admit, ah did smile at that one.

"What y'all bin up to today Pappy?" ah persisted.

Pappy reached over took hold of the jug and with a practised swing, hoisted it up onto his shoulder, turning his head slightly to the right his old wizzened lips fitted snugly up to the neck o' the jug. His tired grey eyes lit up as the firey liquid flowed easily into his controlled swallow.

Ah watched, facinated as his Adam's Apple bobbed up and down with each mouthful o' that illicit brew.

Finished, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, looked over tuh me and said, "Ah wuz going to do nothing today...... so far I'm right on schedule!"

That's mah Pappy...... did ah mention ah love mah Pappy?

Ah just got back from 'Thunder Gorge' (that's what we'all call the outhouse on account o' the acoustics) an ah spotted mah Pappy (who had bin suffering some from a bad batch o' shine)

" Howdy Pappy" ah ventured, "You are looking much better."

"Thanks son, ah'm feeling much better now." he croaked.

"Where's the pain?" Ah enquired.

"She visiting her sister." he quipped.

Now ah knowed right there and then mah Pappy wuz truly on the mend!

He continued, "You know marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license!" Moving on he sed, "Y'all looking a little peek-ed son, yer lost some weight?"

"Well ah just finished a spell over to 'Thunder Gorge' ah explained.

Dawgone! Iffin mah Pappy didn't break into his infamous four toothed grin, there was a bronchial cackle bubbling up in his chest.

"What is it, what's tickling your tonsils?" ah demanded, blushing an blubbering under his gaze.

"Whoa! Git that burr from under yer blanket son... its 'Thunder Gorge'.... minds me of

the social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently
transferred to the Mountains of North Carolina and Georgia
and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came
upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door..

'Anybody home?' she asked

'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.
'Is your Pappy there?' asked the social worker.

'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.

'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.

'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.

'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family?'

'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door. 'This is the outhouse!'

Ah wuz over tuh the barn with mah Pappy an we'd bin shredding some hay bales fer ter put in the stalls fer ole Metamorphosis (our plough horse, we call him Metamorphosis because of his changing shape over the years) when Pappy sat himself down fer a spell, cut himself a sizeable piece from offa his block o' chewing tobacco an' slowly chomped on that piece until it fitted comfortably in the side of his inner cheek.

"Gittin' well into winter now son" he opened." Why you know it wuz so cold this morning ah saw one racoon jump starting t'other!"

Now that remark caught me on mah left foot an for a spell ah wuz off balance, mentally that is!

Pappy, gazing off across the lower paddock continued in that slow drawl o' his, "Your Maw thinks I'm a clock, she's either setting me right, or winding me up! Take yesterday 'frinstance, she sed we wuz having steak fer dinner. Ah sed make mine lean. "Certainly" she sed, "Which way?" 

Pappy paused as he recollected how pleased Maw looked with the delivery of that retort. He then continued with another anecdote about Percy Verance and his method o' growin' tomatoes. "Percy reckons to grow tomatoes just right, best thing to use are bras (that brought a flush to mah cheeks and a smile flitted across mah face) he claimed the regular kind of bra would help them to grow right....not those under wire thingamajigs."

Maw was collecting the eggs from the coop at the far end of the barn an' musta bin eavesdropping  'cause she piped up, " Kinda make you wonder how he grows his cucumbers"

Ah got some smart wisecracking parents....ah love 'em both!

While ah wuz sittin wi' mah Pappy one time ah noticed that he had what ah'd call a rugged face....the lines around his eyes and mouth were deeply etched in ....evidence of a rough passage on life's long hard road....ah got tuh wunderin'......

"Pappy, what's it like being old?"

Pappy looked at me with them steel gray eyes, that softened as he smiled and sed, "Well son, first yuh forgit names, then yuh forgit faces. Then..... yuh forgit to pull up yer zipper. It is worse ifin yuh forgit to pull it down!"

"Don't y'all worry none, you'll know when y'all is gittin old.....every thang either dries up or leaks!"

Well that tickled mah Pappy more'n a feather on a stick, he just throwed his head back and he let out a cackle louder than a turkey being chased on Thanksgiving!

After a minute or so of coughing and a splutterin' he got his breath back and launched into another of his infamous anecdotes....

" Ah mind the time when ah persuaded your Maw to give Walmart shopping another chance. It went well fer a spell then ...poof ! Ah lost her! 

Ah looked high an low but weren't payin much attention to where ah wuz going and ...BANG! Ah smacked mah cart into another old timer.

Ah immediately sed how sorry ah wuz and explained ah wuz looking fer mah wife and ah guess ah wasn't paying enough attention to where ah wuz going."

The old timer said, "That's O.K.  But what a coincidence I'm looking for mah wife too, ah can't find her and ah'm gittin a little desperate."

So tuh make up fer causing the accident ah offered to help him find her......"What she look like? ah aksed him.

The old timer sed, "Well, she's 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, and long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

So ah sed, "Doesn't matter....... let's look fer yours!"

Mah Pappy is some raconteur....he should write a book......

Ah really enjoy the evening tete-e-tete with mah Pappy it fills in the space a 'tween eatin an sleeping. It is always good fer a laugh....an laughing is good exercise....it's like jogging on the inside!
Like the time ah aksed mah Pappy 'bout that English game...Cricket!
"Cricket" he opined, "Is like mah dawg,,,, three short legs and balls that swing either way...."
Mah Pappy eased over better to reach the spittoon. As he did so he inadvertently farted. Maw yelled at him, "Stop that"

Pappy sed, "Sure, which way did it go!"

Pappy calls mah Gran (on Maw's side) the 'Exorcist' When ah aksed him why, he sed, "Ever time she visits she empties the house o' spirits!"

Ah wuz givin' that one some special thought when mah Pappy came out with a rhetorical question, "Is re-incarnation on the way out?"

Now that plumb threw me, ah retired into mah own self an brewed up a few thoughts o' mah own......
Ah had no baccy to chew or fire up but ah had me a hand-me-down clay pipe o' mah Pappy's Pappy....mah Gran' Pappy. I sucked on that fer a spell an got tuh thinkin that it were Betty Lou's birthday and ah had no idea what to git her as a present.
So ah ambled over tuh the barn where she wuz wrastling with a prime boar who wuz a little reticent about tendin to his 'ladies'

Ah aksed her what her husband Jethro' wuz gittin for her. She sed, "Awh! That's a gimme, it's gonna be a dozen roses. Then he's gonna expect me tuh be on mah back fer the next three days with mah legs in the air!"

Ah knowed then just what ah wuz gonna git Betty Lou...........

A VASE!

"Yep! Old age is a gift and ah have waited a long...long time to to receive it! mah Pappy opened. "Ah have enjoyed the journey getting here and now that I am here I am going to offload the baggage ah collected on the way. Ah wuz taught to be polite to mah elders and ah wuz just that for a long time, but I'm finding it more and more difficult to find anyone older than me.

That ain't a worry, in fact there ain't much a worry these days. You see ah don't need to impress anyone anymore. Ah kin be mah own self and folks just gotta take me as I am. Yep old age is a gift, a gift of freedom. No one gives a raccoon's ass about the old fart in the corner, a sittin in mah usual chair with a lopsided smile playing about mah mouth, though they do wonder at times ah guess about the mischievous glint in mah eye.

Old age, ah decided, is a gift.
Ah am now, probably for the first time in mah life, the person ah have always wanted to be.
Oh, not my body! ah sometimes despair over mah body ... the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging bottom half.
Ah'm often taken aback by that old crotchety alcoholic that lives in my mirror, but ah don't agonize over those things for long.

Ah would never trade mah amazing friends, mah wonderful life, mah loving family (that's me an Maw an other kin folk) for less grey hair or a flatter belly. As ah've aged, ah've become kinder to mahself, and less critical of mahself. Ah've become mah own friend. Ah don't worry if ah eat an extra wad o' chewing 'baccy, or for making that extra batch o'shine, or for buying that 'gay' bull that I didn't need. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant...

Ah have seen too many old friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if ah choose to read or play horseshoes until the early hours and what if ah do sleep until noon? Ah will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of yesteryear, and if ah, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost soul...ah will.

Ah will walk down tuh the crick in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the pool with abandon if ah choose to, despite the pitying glances from the longhorn cattle.
They, too, will get old, if they're lucky. Ah know ah am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And ah eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years mah heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when y'all lose a loved one,( mah sister, Lizzie May) or when a child suffers, (ah broke mah leg when ole Dobbin kicked me) or even when some body's beloved pet gets chewed up by a mountain lion? (Ole Yellah's predecessor) But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broke is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect."

(Ah just listened open mouthed....Pappy wuz on a roll)

"Ah am so blessed to have lived long enough to have mah hair turning grey, and to have mah youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on mah face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older son, (he called me son...ah love mah Pappy) it is easier to be positive. Y'all care less about what other people think. Ah don't question mahself anymore. Ah've even earned the right to be wrong, but not often.

Ah like being old. It has set me free. Ah like the person ah have become. Ah am not going to live forever, but while ah am still here, ah will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be.. And ah shall 'drink' mah dessert every single day (if I feel like it).

Old age son, ( there he sed it agin) is when actions creak louder than words. Ah've often thought life is like a roll o' toilet paper, the closer it gets to the end the faster it goes!"

With that he reached over an passed the jug to Maw who wuz sittin with a tear in her eye and a lip a quivverin!

Ah love these evenings a sittin out on the porch!

Tee, hee, hee... ah had a wicked thought.... but ah kept it to mah self. (Tween you and me ah thought, "Ah bet there has bin more'n one lady bin fishing in your shorts!")

Talking of ladies ah aksed mah Pappy about LA-A. "Y'all got the pronunciation wrong boy" he chided. "That gal's name is pronounced.... Ladasha... yuh got that? Ladasha!"

"How'd yuh figure that out Pappy? ah aksed, puzzled!

"Takes but little figuring boy, the dash...ain't silent!"

Ah reckon mah Pappy is a spark o' genius, mebbe with a little engine trouble. Maw reckons he's as wise as a ten hoot owl!

Now that wuz a puzzlement coming from Maw!

Leroy Yukon an' Wayne Dwopp...

Hunting buddies

"Sup Maw? Where's Pappy? Y'all taking a chance settin on Pappy's rocker?" ah queried.

"Nuthin! Dunno! An the only one taking a chance in these parts... is you! Now did ah answer you're questions in the right order?"

Oh, oh,.... Ah knowed ah had got off on the wrong foot right thar! So ah thought ah'd do some 'sweet'nin....

"Y'all looking bright as a prairie rose today Maw, how come y'all looking younger than Marlene Dietrich?" (mah favourite foreign film star) ah ventured.
"When it comes tuh staying young boy"
(she'd forgot mah name, but knowed ah wuz a boy cos she'd made sure ah cleaned out all mah important places last month when ah had mah annual bath)
"When it comes tuh staying young boy, a mind lift beats a face lift every day!"

"Bless yuh heart Maw" ah sed sheepishly!

Ah once noted that an out of favor son can get away with the most awful kind of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart" or "Bless his heart." It is such a natural term of us Southerners, that it just rolls right out.
The ones that really gore my ox are the native Southerners
who have begun to act almost embarrassed about their speech.
We've already lost too much.

Ah took a long look at mah Maw's rugged but kindly face an as ah wuz doing so she wuz looking off toward the barn where Pappy wuz just emerging like a three masted schooner in a high wind an' full sail...... ah saw her eyes light up an' a flicker of a smile crossed her lips......

"What yuh thinking Maw?" ah enquired...

"Oh nuthing son...just an old memory" she answered.

"Come on Maw, we don't git to talk much,what was it y'all remembered?" ah persisted.

"Oh ah just minded the time when youse wuz just a small boy an you aksed your Pappy...."Pappy, if you were an Eagle Scout when y'all were a small boy, does that mean y'all a Bald Eagle now?"

Ah instinctively reached up an fingered the small scar above mah right eye where Pappy accidentally knocked his pipe out on mah head around that time!

Both Maw and ah vacated the porch as mah Pappy approached, we both knowed he liked to set a spell alone when he came out the barn until the ground stopped swelling up like a tsunami.

Ah Bald Eagle eh? Bless Him!

He settled himself in his favourite chair on the porch (jug within comfortable reach) an he turned to me and sed, " Yer looking like a mule that is chewing on a wasp, what's yer problem son?"
Well mah eyes lit up and mah chest swelled..... he'd remembered to call [b]me[/b] son!

Ah decided to come right out with it..... "Ah think ah'd like to study abroad."
He peered at me through those rheumy cold grey eyes wherein ah could just about distinguish a twinkle... "Did you have any particular broad in mind?"

Well ah knowed he was extracting the urine and ah blushed like a bride at confession.
Mah instincts were to hit back with repartee of mah own, like "You think you're a wit. Well you're half right!"
But ah just bit down on mah tongue because Pappy's shotgun
wuz also with in reach of the jug.

Instead ah switched to a puzzlement Leroy had bin telling me about. The doc had sed that Leroy's wife wuz pregnant. Leroy had protested that such a thing wuz not possible because he had bin in prison fer eighteen months.
Pappy sed that it was known as a 'Grudge pregnancy.'
Ah sed..."Grudge pregnancy? What in tarnation is that?"

Pappy responded.... "Someone had it in for him"

Pappy tole me about an old Kentucky farmer who had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night she was always a complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.
He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head..

Killed her dead on the spot. (Ah wuz transfixed....)

Pappy took a swig and continued, at the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen fer a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

By now Pappy wuz beginning to wheeze some, never knowed him to talk so much....

After a cough and a spit Pappy continued....So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

Well Pappy laugh that much ah thought he was gonna have a heart attack....a laughing...a coughing...a spluttering.... Pappy had not had such a good time in a coon's age!

When ever ah can...more times than not its just after supper.... ah sit out on the porch with mah Pappy....and in between silences...only broken by the noise o' chewin' tobacco juice hitting ole Yellah (our dawg, his given name is Daffyd, that's Welsh you know, on account of him leaking all over the place).

I aks mah Pappy 'bout life an git his observations. Mah Pappy is an all time raconteur....... musician..... an caller at our annual 'Barn Dance'

He can pontificate upon most things, yit never comes straight out with those wise words. He'll tell a tale an' leave y'all to figure out if in fact he bin extracting the 'Michael' or passing on one o' life's lessons.

A typical piece of advice given to me when ah aksed him about old age wuz, " Old can only be ascribed to cheese and fine wine........ getting old, means feeling like Peter Pan one day and down the pan the next!"

"Tween you an me son" he sed furtively, looking left an right and dropping his voice almost to a dry croak, "Ah never went to bed with an ugly woman, but ah sure did wake up with some!"

Ah never knowed mah Pappy wuz a rake in his day!

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide lopsided grin. That wuz on account he had more teeth on one side than he did on'tuther.

'Bubba, where'd you git that truck?' mah Pappy sed.

'Tammie give it to me' Bubba replied.

'She give it to ya?' Pappy sed in disbelief.
'I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya,but a new truck?'

'Well Pappy buddy, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on thu County Road in the middle of nowheres.Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed into the woods.She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,

'Bubba, take whatever you want.'

So I took the truck!' ..........  

'Bubba, yore a smart man!' mah Pappy opined. 'Them clothes woulda never fit you!'

Pappy as usual wuz a settin' in his porch rocker with ole Yelleh close by...they wuz playing a game. Yelleh would swish his tail and Pappy would try and trap it under his rocker....so far Yelleh wuz just a mite quicker than Pappy!
Ah opened up by aksing Pappy 'bout women an marriage and ah aksed about this thing called 'bigamy'
Pappy chomped a while, wuz about tuh spit when Maw passed by, thought twice an swallowed it..... then he turn to me an sed, "Son" (mah chest swells and mah face all blushes up when he calls me son) "Son, bigamy is having one wife too many" he threw a meaningful glance at Maw as she crossed the yard, " An ah think monogamy is ther same."
"Pappy" ah ventured, "Why did y'all flinch when Maw walked by?"
He fired a hard stony stare in my direction and sed, "Your Maw is a travel agent fer guilt trips an I'm her favourite customer!"
"But y'all give as good as you get Pappy" ah sed encouragingly.
"Yessiree, yah betcha...." Pappy spat out," if y'all are chicken hearted y'all will never rule the roost"
"Don't it give y'all cause fer worry?" ah queeried.
"Worry?" mah Pappy sed, "Worry is like this ole rocking chair, it gives you something to do but it dont get you anywhere"

Ah wuz so astounded with mah Pappy's profundity ah had forgotten about the ladies and ah was no longer turning to stone!

Well mah mouth just dropped open so far you could back a truck in thar, mah eyes were almost a popping outta mah head...... " That's immpossible Pappy, how come you are your own Grandpa?"

Pappy smiled (the smile of a four toothed tobacco chewing redneck bard) and he sed in the most colourful prose ah have ever heard from those wise old lips.....

"Many many years ago when ah was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This
widow had a growd-up daughter who had hair of red.
Mah father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.
This made mah pa, mah son-in-law, and changed mah very life.
Mah daughter was mah mother, for she was mah Pappy's wife.

To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy, I
soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.
Mah little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad. And so
became mah uncle, though it made me very sad.

For if he was mah uncle, then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was mah
step-mother. Pappy's wife then had a son, who kept them on
the run.

And he became mah grandson, for he was mah daughter's son. Mah
wife is now mah mother's mother and it makes me blue. Because,
although she is mah wife, she's mah grandma too. If mah wife is
mah grandmother, then I am her grandchild. And ever time I
think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now ah have become
the strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of mah
grandmother, I am mah own Grandpa!

After that recitation he spit twice, took a slug from the jug, and sank back into a nostalgic reverie all of his own. That's mah Pappy!

"Y'all bin pestering me fer mah horryscope sign. Well let me tell y'all that ah wuz born afore the stars in the sky knowed what formation tuh take. An being a mite curious about these things are looked them up an they wuz just a load o' twaddle! Any old body can throw a few signs together (have a jug o' shine close by) an whip up a preee-dik-shun or two.

So why can't we rednecks have our own? EH? EH? ....'Frinstance.......

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) - Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) - Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20) - You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20) - You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or - maybe not.

POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21) - When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) - Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) - Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them.. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) - Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) - Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) - You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) - Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) - You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

[b]"WOWEE!! Dang and double dang ifin that ain't the smartest answer tuh a question you've ever heard, ah'd like to know what is!
Mah Pappy's a pure genius, steeped in Moonshine!"[/b]

This is mah Pappy's Favourite song.......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcKGrCrVFxw&feature=related

So ah ventured....."Hey Pappy did y'all hear about that South Carolina hill country, self-employed farmer, who was on trial for making moonshine whiskey?"

Ah knowed ah had got his attention when ah mentioned whiskey.

"Well it appears a young neighbor of his was being grilled by the prosecutor."

"Did y'all ever get any whiskey from him?" asked the prosecutor.

"Never, sir," answered the neighbor

"Did y'all ever get any from his wife?" he asked.

"No, sir," said the neighbor.

"Did y'all ever get any from his daughter?" asked the prosecutor.

The young neighbor thought a minute and said, "Well. ahem ... ah .. .um..er ...

"Your Honor, are we still talking about whiskey?"

Well mah Pappy's face lit up like the golden corn in the top meadow....an smile..... why ah never did see him smile so broad...why ah could see all four of his teeth at one time!

"Y'all hit the spot with that one son" Pappy sed, "Moonshiners are like dirty clothes, they only come clean when they are [b]really[/b] in hot water"

It lifted mah heart to see mah ole Pappy smile so, an' did you notice..... he called me SON?

"Son" he said,"I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned
that most people die of natural causes."

Now that set me a thinking....there's always wisdom in mah Pappy's answers.

"Pappy... how come y'all never do much walking?"

"Well look at it this way son" he drawled," there are but two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead, an' ah ain't so quick no more! Now son ah want you to ponder on this fer a spell,
'Life is sexually transmitted and that's a fact!"

Well mah Pappy knowed that such words would leave me gobsmacked an' afford him a spell o' quiet. Contemplation can be easy fer some, but ah find contemplating Pappy's wisdom hard to wrastle with! So having given that information considerable thought and mah Pappy some quiet time it wuz mah turn to quiz him about his extraordinary spell of good health.

He cut off 'bout an inch or so from his wad o' chewing tobacco and popped it into his mouth, threw it around from side to side fer a spell until it wuz malleable enough to sit right alongside his jaw, cleared his throat an' sed, "Boy" (He knowed ah wuz a boy on account o' mah ginger whiskers, although ah noticed Maw has a five o' clock shadow) "Boy, being healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."

There you go.... you see what ah mean...straight out like that, another piece o' wisdom to ponder. But wait.... he wasn't finished.....

"Best know now sonny" he continued, "the only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth an those health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."

Did ah mention..... that I'm in awe of mah Pappy?

"It is no good getting the needle if you have lost the thread."

Now ah knowed these were wise words far beyond mah ken, because ah wasn't even sewing at the time.... he had a penchant fer mysterious outbursts.... another favourite wuz....

"Worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere."

"Son," (he'd say again) "Pay heed, there are but two ways of becoming a failure, listening to nobody and listening to everybody."

He wuz bang on there, ah failed no matter which way ah tried!

When ah got uppity he'd chide me in a fatherly way...... with a well aimed boot!

"Son," (that's me again) "Never stand on your dignity, there bain't nothing in this world so slippery!"

Ah just love mah Pappy!...............

--------------------

My Pappy was setting in his ole rocking chair, whittling on a spare bit o' kindling when he paused...... looked up........ (an ah new there was something special coming) .........

"Have you noticed, births and deaths have one thing in common, they are both breathtaking experiences."

Well it was a bolt from the blue..... ah had never thought about life and death in that way!

" Paw" I managed to extract from a dry and dusty throat...... "Where can I go to get me a good marrying woman .........like Maw?"

He stopped whittling....... pausing only to spit the excess 'baccy juice' in the direction of ole Yeller...... he then leaned forward in a conspiratorial way so that ah could hear his whispered reply, as well as smell the 'shine' on his breath..........
"Good women are like aliens, you hear a lot about them, but you never actually see one."

"But Paw, I'm after achieving happiness and a quiet life." I ventured.

Son" (that's me) y'all can't have both.......... at once! Let me define happiness fer yah.......... 'Happiness is a flea in a passel o' raccoons."

Ah love mah Pappy............

-------------------
Ah 'member one time going fer mah first job.... cutting mah ties with the mah country cousins...ah turned to mah Pappy an sed, "This feels like the first day of the rest o' my life!"

He glanced up frum his paper and in a slow drawl aksed me, " If today is the first day of your life....... what in tarnation wuz yesterday?"

Ah never figured out an answer to that one and hoped that at mah interview they weren't as smart as mah Pappy!

Ah wanted to be hep to all that city jargon so ah aksed my Pappy what 'inflation' wuz?

Never at a loss fer an answer, he came right back with.... "Inflation mah boy (that's me too) inflation is when you find your nest egg won't even make an omelet."

"Pappy" I queried, "Did you ever want to go out and make your career in the city?"

Paw chewed a spell on his 'chewing bacca' looked around fer ole Yeller (who had moved considerably out of range) and then spat out the excess juice into a spittoon with pin point accuracy.
"Nope" he opined, "The more people ah met the more ah liked mah dogs!"

Ah love mah Pappy!

This is mah Pappy's Country Club..... he tole me ah wuz going the right way to become a member..... ain't that nice!

We'all ain't into that thar D I V O R C E thing...... mah Pappy sed.... a couple who are wrapped up in themselves make pretty small parcels. However he did go on to say that marriage is like a violin, when the beautiful music is over, the strings become apparent. Mah second cousin Mary Lou faced up to mah Pappy one time an' claimed her eyes were the windows of her soul......

Pappy looked up and stared right into her eyes ( one brown and the other was blue) an' sed, "How come if your eyes are the windows of your soul....... the curtains are always closed?"
Mary Lou had left mah uncle's spread saying she'd had enough of hogs....she wanted to live life in the fast lane...... but when all came to all she married a 'speed bump'

Now ah digress..... we'all wuz talking about D I V O R C E .... mah Pappy reckons if you want to set a shining example.....you'll need to have plenty of polish, and y'all should exercise your visual faculties prior to executing a jump (think about it now) Further, my Pappy opined, to avoid getting burned keep the old flame away from your wife!

Don't you just love the way mah Pappy has advice fer every one, no matter the pre-dik-a- ment?

After living in the remote wilderness of West Virginia all his life, ole
Jethro decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever
having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.

'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.' Jethro wuz dee-lighted!

He bought the mirror, thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his daddy, so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Now weren't that the nicest of things tuh do?

His wife began to get suspicious (don't they allus?) of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's
runnin' around with.'

" The lesson here son" sed mah Pappy, "is that ifiin y'all are chicken hearted, you'll never rule the roost! "

That's mah Pappy and the Hillbilly mirror! Y'all take care now!

                                            That Cowboy.... Oh!

Jake, the rancher, went one day
to fix a distant fence.
The wind was cold and gusty
and the clouds rolled gray and dense.

As he pounded the last staples in
and gathered tools to go,
The temperature had fallen,
the wind and snow began to blow.

When he finally reached his pickup,
he felt a heavy heart.
From the sound of that ignition,
he knew it wouldn't start.

So Jake did what most of us would do
if we had been there.
He humbly bowed his balding head
and sent aloft a prayer.

As he turned the key for the last time,
he softly cursed his luck.
They found him three days later,
frozen stiff in that old truck.

Now Jake had been around in life
and done his share of roaming.
But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked--
-- it looked just like Wyoming!

Of all the saints in Heaven,
his favorite was St. Peter.
(Now, this here line ain't needed
but it helps with rhyme and meter)

So they set and talked a minute or two,
or maybe it was three.
Nobody was keepin' score --
-- in Heaven time is free.

"I've always heard," Jake said to Pete,
"that God will answer prayer,
But one time I asked for help,
well, he just plain wasn't there."

Why does God answer prayers of some,
and ignore the prayers of others?
That don't seem exactly square --
-- I know all men are brothers."

"Or does he randomly reply,
without good rhyme or reason?
Maybe, it's the time of day,
the weather or the season."

"Now I ain't trying to act smart,
it's just the way I feel.
And I was wondering', could you tell me --
?-- what the heck's the deal?!"

Peter listened very patiently
and when Jake was done,
There were smiles of recognition,
and he said, "So, you're the one!!"

"That day your truck, it wouldn't start,
and you sent your prayer a flying,
You gave us all a real bad time,
with hundreds of us trying."

"A thousand angels rushed,
to check the status of your file,
But you know, Jake, we hadn't heard from you
in quite a long, long while."

"And though all prayers are answered
and God ain't got no quota,
He didn't recognize your voice,
and started a truck in North Dakota."

BETTER KEEP IN TOUCH   

Rancher Jake

                                        The Drought....

We cowboys talk of starvin' stock
through lips all parched and dry.
For rain we lust, as clouds of dust
conceal an orange sky.
We reminisce, in wishful bliss,
beneath the moonlit haze,
and wonder how the drought persists
through months of summer days.

The worst we fear, yet, slickers near,
we say our prayers over,
and dream of weather blackening leather,
greenin' up the clover.
It's been three months, and more than once,
the sky's turned dark and cold,
and lightning's struck, but drops got stuck,
as storm clouds churned and rolled.

...Just one more time the sky was prime
to drench the thirsty dirt.
For what it's worth, ol' Mother Earth's
a brazen, teasin' flirt.
So life goes on from dawn to dawn,
with glimpses of her smile--
a dreary range, without a change,
for endless, grueling mile.

Yet, ridin' here, 'twixt cow and steer,
I feel one little drop.
That gal starts dishin' what I'm wishin'
and she doesn't stop.
The land's all soaked and clover-cloaked;
I'm wet, right to the core.
It's like the bliss of my first kiss,
to feel the rain once more.

The Drought

                               Rodeo and Calgary

I love the build up to this event
I feel its the best way time can be spent
Prepared my saddle and bridle too
Got my buckskin cleaned up like new.
I remember the days, long ago o' course
When I'd jump from the back of a running horse
Wrastle the longhorn to the ground
Hearing the crowd roar, an uplifting sound.

Bullriding on those meanest o' critters
Not many of us were long time sitters
Bronc busting, roping, branding a calf
We put everything in it, nothing by half.
Thrill after thrill in the barrel race
Determination on each weather-beaten face.
Up there in the parade so your folks could see
Upright, proud, thats the thing for me.

I've given my all in these rodeos
Broken most fingers, a few bones, a few toes
But thats part of the attraction for me
My favourite rodeo? Stampede Calgary!
The dirt it tastes better when you land on your face
It don't seem as hard when you fall from grace
The atmosphere swamps me, fills me like wine
I know that I'll win there, I know I'll do fine.

Calgary Rodeo

  Oklahoma an odd ode

  Old Kentucky  same ode different State.

   Mah Pappy met a sheep shearer an they got tuh swapping tales. This one in particular tickled mah Pappy's fancy and he never gits tired of repeating it!                                      

                                                   Sheep Shearer's Saga

Aussie Poem

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks.

                                 Then there is Geordie Broon

                     a lazy sod from Backworth

                                      Geordie at the Bus Stand

When Geordie Broon waas waiting for his bus once at the stand,
A blind chep sud afore him, with ees white stick in ees hand;
A dog came sniffin roond thar legs, the way some dogs dee,
But the blind man tuck nee notice on't 'cos he cudn't see.
The dog just kept on sniffin till they'd aal been throo ees test,
And he finally decided that he liked the blind man best;
He nivvor asked permission, and didn't sit and beg,
He just stood ind spent a penny up agynst the blind man's leg.

He thowt he'd fund a lamp-post, or a varry handy tree,
The job waas duen afore they knew what it waas gan'ti dee.
When Geordie saa the flood he myed, he chased the dog away,
But the blind man sed - No! Divvent dee that, aa want the dog ti stay.
Then he started shooting for the dog. He sed - Come on, come here,
He waas deeing iverthing he cud ti try ind bring it near;
He did his varry best ti myek the dog stand at his feet,
He myed sum clicking noises, he even offered it a sweet.

Then Geordie sed - Hey man, di ye knaa what that dog's duen ti thee?
He's used ye as a toilet, and yor gan ti feed him tee.
The blind man sed - Aa'd like ti feed him, if he'll only come,
'Cos when aa finned oot where ees heid is, then aa' kick him up the bum!