IS A SAILOR?
all the world's dwellers a sailor has perhaps the most widely discussed
and least understood character of them all.
is one of uniform classification and appearance yet possesses a
unique opinion of his own.
is ruled by Queen's Regulations & Admiralty Instructions and
the state of 'Barons' onboard.
sailor can be of any colour or creed, and yet he observes the same
attitude of being in turn; A Profound Lawyer, a Cynical Pessimist,
a Buzz spreading Optimist, or the victim of countless 'Green Rubs'
sailor can be found, in , around, beneath, on top and swarming upon
ships of every shape and size, above and below the sea, yet his
appearance never changes nor his face betray any appreciation of
his worthy tasks.
has his money invested in shares (with handles on) has an amazing
capacity for consuming liquid of any type...except water, of which
he has a natural dread, and a cast iron digestion with which he
consumes such things as 'Oggies' and 'Pusser's Bangers'
sailor will 'drip' every minute of the day, and twice as often after
'Up Spirits' Talks of some strange 'Doz' which is the boss of his
life, meanwhile venting his wrath on the 'Buffer' Mess Petty Officer,
Killick or Dodgers, depending upon which happens to be furthest
away at the time.
a sailor is a paragon of good manners and virtue. He is sociable
and genial. He will sing dubious ditties at the top of his voice
reeling like a storm tossed tug, yet, the appearance of a white
belted patrol seems to have a magical effect in subduing his voice
and steadying his step. He makes a mental note of beer consumed,
and his highest score at darts to relate at breakfast next morning,
much to the awe of his listeners.
sailor dislikes:- Pusser's Boots, Caps, Lanyards, Dhobeying, Efficiency
Tests, Pay books, Station Cards, Inspections, Mess Bills, Wakey
Wakey, Kit Musters and returning from leave. He loves:- Rum, Uckers,
Lurid Books, Quarterly Settlements, R.F.R. Drafts, Long Leave, Mail,
Hammocks, Make and Mends.(especially with leave, did I mention Rum?)
Tickler and the girl he dreams about 'Up the line'
find him maddening, his interpretation of the rig of the day can
resemble last week's washing, while his apparently accidental footprints
across the whiteness of a newly scrubbed Quarter Deck brings gray
hairs to the head of a raving 'Buffer'
sailor is civility with a shabby cap tally, industry in the bilges,
studiousness with a deck cloth, truth with fourteen days stoppage,
initiative with a chipping hammer, and humour with a N.A.A.F.I.
is none so loyal and true, as he is to the wife or girl friend,
for whom he will save and behave, but should this better influence
desert him he becomes a man with little faith in human nature.
is an accomplished server, dish washer, cook or bottle washer. He
is a connoisseur of all wines, spirits and beers from Scappa Flow
to Freetown and from Canada to Hong Kong. He knows the name of every
bar and barmaid in every port he has ever been in, moreover his
recollection of the exact location of these places is truly amazing.
relies on his shipmate's sense of comradeship in borrowing gear
to get ashore, but strangely enough never seems to remember from
whom these articles were borrowed. He is a subtle combination of
applied indifference and patriotic concern, yet who can deny that
it was a fitting gesture that it was men of his own service that
transported our late King on his last journey, there were many proud
hearts that day.
see, a sailor, despite his faults would willingly lay down his life
for those who love and those who hate him. So next time you see
him ashore, think of him as a human being, for you respect him now.
him a drink, tell him a joke, and.........
||Trip to the Pub.
It was a fine
warm day so I thought I'd have a walk out, get some fresh air, meet
some of the lads and have a bit of a chat......................well
you do don't you? Get out of the way of 'her indoors' she was having
one of her clearing out sessions.......
I was talking to my old mate Ben Doon the
other day and he was telling me that he had heard from Ophelia Bottom
that a man spends the first half of his life learning habits that
shorten the other half of his life. Ben was after borrowing a couple
of quid, so I gently reminded him that before borrowing money from
a friend, first decide which you need most. He thought a while and
said, "Well are you going to lend it to me or not!"
Ivor Hernia came by and I said to Ben "Go and ask him!"
Ivor upon hearing Ben's request said, " Ben me ole darling
" he always talked like that, "Ben" he said, "The
most comfortable place to live is just inside your income."
Perplexed Ben just stood there with his mouth open and his hand
out. Eli Doon, Ben's brother, saw him standing there and took him
I ambled on and called in to the pub, 'The Gay Wrights' it was run
by Phyliss Apint, a genial landlady, had a hip replacement recently.
She glanced up and reached over to the pump and drew me off a frothy
"The usual?" she enquired. "No." I said, "I
just have a packet of pork scrathings." She looked at me, looked
at the pint and then sank it in one huge swallow. "One swallow
does not a summer make." I ventured. "Shut it" she
said. I thought I had better try a new tack, conversation wise...
"Er, I heard that they are asking the gnomes of Zurich to run
the National Health." Ivan Itch was standing at the bar, staring
at my pork scratchings, I said "Keep your eyes off my scratchings,
you need to get into shape my lad." He tore his gaze away as
I upended the packet and the last of the scratchings into my mouth.
" I am in shape," he said, "round is a shape."
"Ivan" I said "the only way you will lose weight....
is to keep your mouth shut." Phyliss came over, "Are you
having a drink, or what?" I said, "Everyone should believe
in something. I believe I'll have that drink."
You see my only consistency is my inconsistency. Horace Cope piped
up, "Just the one then is it?" " I'll stay for another
if you are buying Horace," I said. Reggie Ment used to drill
it into me, "Drink sensibly.... be around for the next round."
Well I was, and I was and I was...... until I found I was in a heated
discussion with Stan Bye and Mark Mywords. I remember saying, "I
don't have an attitude problem, perhaps you have a perception problem......
" That's when it sort of went black and then there was a series
of exploding lights and then nothingness........
Flo Swiftly was the ward nurse and she told me..............
Ah, but that's another story.
||You Are Seeing Another Woman
||Adam was returning home late one night
at paradise after drinking with the dodo and the unicorn. Eve got
angry and yelled at him: "YOU ARE SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN"
Adam responded: "Don't be silly,
you are the only woman on earth" and went to sleep.
Later that night Adam
woke up, feeling a tickle in his chest and saw it was Eve. "What
the heck are you doing?" he asked.
"I'm counting your
ribs" she responded.
I love to have a muse.......
now............ and again. Sort of let the mind wander and reach
out from time to time and latch on to a random thought. I was doing
that the other day.......... questions.....questions... questions.....
|Is a sleeping bull........ a bulldozer?
|Would you call the wife of a hippy................. Mississippi?
|When the love-sick owl saw it was raining, was it..... To-wet-to-woo?
|Or was it was an indifferent owl.......... and didn't give
|How do you make a milkshake............. give it a good scare?
God must have loved calories...............that
is why he made so many of them. I have concluded that there is one
thing worse than letting a fool kiss you, and that is letting a
kiss fool you. They say, "Aye you can't turn the clock back."
You can, you can, in October! I married my wife for her looks, but
not the ones she has been giving me lately. I haven't spoken to
my wife for eighteen months....... I don't like interupting her.
Another thing, have you noticed that Leftists are the first to speak
up for their rights. I worked like a horse to earn my money and
my wife spends it like an ass.
User friendly computers vastly out number computer friendly users.My
biggest problem is I believe everything I say........ I do !
Well enough musing for today............ I can hear the dulcet tones
of the lady I married warning shipping to keep clear of the rocks.
Why should you always keep a picture of your mother-in-law on the
A. To keep your kids away from the
. How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Aaah! What the heck, she can do
the ironing in the dark.
What do you call women that want to be equal with men?
As I have often been told......
it is no good getting the needle if you have lost the thread. Repartee
being my forte I came back with the reposte, "Paranoia is a
hard act to follow !" I don't know about you guys but I find
having an arguement with my wife is like trying to have the last
word with an echo. I said that to a mate of mine and the smart ****
said, "I don't know about that Daffyd see, I've never argued
with your wife."
"Listen here boyho" I said "You could improve your
development if you took yourself off and sat in a dark room."
My mate he's an alcoholic musician.............. he can't get past
the first bar. He said to me once, "If you ever get driven
to drink mate, make sure you get a lift home." Nice of him
wasn't it? Nice ! I like a drink but I am not to happy with the
moaning after the night before. I'm not going to fast for you am
I boyho? Type a little slower shall I ? There, how's that?
I never told you this before have I? I was called to the bar when
I was eighteen............. and I've never left it. Humour I find
is boundless and all people see things from a different angle, but
only when they are so inclined. In this compensation culture which
besets us I figure that the ultimate claim for compensation must
be, being conceived without your consent.
Did I tell you about the
blonde student who went to take her exams, a series of yes/no questions.
No? Well, she took her seat in the examination hall and when told
to start she sat and studied her paper for about five minutes. Then
in a fit of desperation she took out her purse and rummaged about
for a coin. This he flipped up in the air and when she caught it
she marked off one of her questions. Heads for yes, tails for no.
Within half an hour she had completed the test and the rest of the
class were still sweating it out.
During the last few minutes she was seen furiously tossing the coin
and ticking off the answers, muttering and sweating. The moderator
was quite puzzled. He walked up to her desk and asked what was going
She looked up at him and said, "Well I finished the exam over
half an hour a go, now I'm checking my answers."
Well, I owe, I owe, so
it's off to work I go.............
||Q. Why are
men like adds on TV?
A. Because they
only last thirty seconds and you can't believe a word they say.
Q. Why are
men like linoleum?
A. Because if you lay them right, you
can walk all over them for the rest of your life.
Q. How many
divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Who knows? They never get the house.
||It has been a while since we had a little
chat. We have a lot to catch up on.
For instance..... Keeping in shape, you
gotta keep in shape. My grandmother taught me that. Do you know
she started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is
ninety seven now and we don't know where the hell she is.
I was in a shop the other day and I overheard a sales lady saying,
"Now I can only please one person a day and today is not your
day. Tomorrow is not looking too good either." She then turned
to her colleague and carried on with her conversation."As I
was saying, men are like fine wine, they all start out as grapes
and it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until
they mature into something you would want to have with dinner. Men
my dear, are like coffee. The best ones are rich, warm and keep
you up all night. A lot of men these days are like lava lamps, they
are amusing to watch, but not very bright."
Listen you guys if your wife was yelling and hammering at the front
door and the dog was scratching and barking at the back door, who
should you let in first?
The dog dummy, because once you let it in you know it will shut
I was telling a neighbour how I apprehended a burglar as he was
trying to break into his house whilst he was on holiday. The burglar
was half way through an enlarged cat-flap when I gave him a good
hard kick up the a*** "Rectum, rectum!" said my neighbour.
"Wrecked him? I varn nye killed him."
Do you know my neighbour is so stupid he couldn't pass a blood test.
Why he even took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept. His wife
is just as bad she put lipstick on her forehead, she was trying
to make-up her mind. She is so ugly that they did not bother to
give her a costume when she tried out as an extra for Star Wars.
And old, why she is so old that when she went to school they did
not have any History classes.
Do you guys know why women have smaller feet than men?
So that they can get closer to the stove.
Here is a tip for you young single guys, don't spend two pounds
having your shirt dry cleaned. Donate it to the Salvation Army.
They wash it, iron it, put it on a hanger and you can buy it back
for 75 pence.
You know, I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian
because I hate plants.
Now suppose you are an idiot, and suppose you are a Member of Parliament...........
forgive me I repeat myself.
But enough about me...........
how do you think our little tete - a - tete went..... you didn't
have much to say....... cat got your tongue has it?
If not, why not e-mail me and put forward
your point of view?
||One has to be so politically correct these
days. Here is a short guide I came across in an newspaper.
She is not 'an air head '. She is 'reality impaired '. She does not
' get drunk ' She is ' chemically inconvenienced'
She is not 'easy' She is ' horizontally
accessible ' She does not 'nag you' She becomes 'verbally repetitive
She does not have a '
killer body ' She is 'terminally attractive '
He is not a ' bad dancer
' He is ' terpsichoreally challenged ' He is not 'balding ' He is
in ' follicle regression '
He does not get ' falling
down drunk ' He becomes ' accidentally horizontal '
He does not act like a ' total ass ' He develops
a case of ' rectal-cranial inversion '.
||Don't run for buses run
||Have you noticed............ the price
of feathers has increased..... now even down is up.
Another thing that I noticed is that the problem with some people
is that when they are not drunk they are sober.......... and still
Always take the opportunity of a lifetime during the life time of
opportunity. Take my friend Zebediah.............. please!
Zebediah went into the fertilised egg
business. He had several hundred layers, called pullets, and eight
or ten roosters whose job it was to fertilise the eggs. Zeb kept
records and any rooster that did not perform well went into the
soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time,
so Zeb got a tiny set of bells and attached them to his roosters
Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance,
which roosters were performing. All he had to do was listen to the
bells. Zeb's favourite rooster was old Cocky a very fine specimen
he was to, but on this particular morning Zeb noticed that Cocky's
bell had not rung at all!!!!!
Zeb went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets....
bells a ringing. However the pullets hearing the roosters coming,
would run for cover. BUT, to Zeb's amazment Cocky had his bell clapper
in his beak so that his bell did not ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet,
do his job and walk onto the next one. Zeb was so proud of Cocky
that he entered him in the County Fair.Cocky was an overnight sensation.
The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize, but also
Then there was the two elderly ladies eating
breakfast in the dining room of the rest home one morning when Ethel
noticed something peculiar in Mabel's ear. She said, "Mabel
do you know you have a suppository in your left ear? Mabel said
"What?" Ethel repeated her observation to Mabel. "Have
I?" She pulled it out and stared at it, then she said "Ethel
I'm glad you spotted this thing, now I think I know where my hearing
||A blonde with two burnt
ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.
phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."
about the other one?"
"They called back."
grief is that all the time it is already I must get a little watch
put on this hand. How have you been doing? Alright? I have been
a bit under the weather recently, almost reached the end of my tether,
but I just tied a knot in it and hung on. Well, you do don't you?
I felt I needed to do something, but I should not have worried I
feel if you are itching to do something you'll soon come up to scratch.
Making a dream come true is easy, keeping up the instalments isn't.
How's your love life going? Me? Oh I'm enjoying myself, you've got
to at my age before Father Time tarmacs over your sex drive.
Two hungry cannibals were walking through the jungle when the came
across a man who had recently passed away.
One cannibal said, "Hey man, (Mugomba una) look at this ( perceive
innat) Lunch! (Monja) You start at the head and I'll start at the
feet and we'll meet in the middle. (Commenca bonsa moi commenca
platesof hi centrefold)
So the two cannibals start eating.
After about half an hour one cannibal stops eating and looks up
and says, " I don't know about you but this is great. How are
you doing?" ( Ignorantus thickwan fantasti. Bellyfulluptus
The other cannibal answers, "This is great I'm having a ball"
His companion said, " Hey! Slow down your eating too fast!
You have to hand it to
them don't you? No, not the cannibals, the Yanks.
A prospective juror in
a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary
manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that
occurs whilst the defendant is under the immediate influence of
sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's
mate is found in a 'compromising position'.
"Sir I have a problem with that passion business" responded
one jury candidate. "During my first marriage I found my husband
in bed with my neighbour. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea
I could of shot him."
The juror was not selected.
For every situation............. there's a problem
Just wait until you have read this lot, it is UNBELIEVABLE!
The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors.
They were posted on an Australian Tourism Web site and the answers
are the actual responses by the web site officials, who obviously
have a sense of humour.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it
rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you
send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which
does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday
night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get
here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every
Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all
year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled
and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but
I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop
out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath
them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine
before you go out walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact
the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help?
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
Wanna beer Bruce?