It was a fine warm day so I thought I'd have a walk out, get some fresh air, meet some of the lads and have a bit of a chat......................well you do don't you? Get out of the way of 'her indoors' she was having one of her clearing out sessions.......

I was talking to my old mate Ben Doon the other day and he was telling me that he had heard from Ophelia Bottom that a man spends the first half of his life learning habits that shorten the other half of his life. Ben was after borrowing a couple of quid, so I gently reminded him that before borrowing money from a friend, first decide which you need most. He thought a while and said, "Well are you going to lend it to me or not!"

Ivor Hernia came by and I said to Ben "Go and ask him!" Ivor upon hearing Ben's request said, " Ben me ole darling " he always talked like that, "Ben" he said, "The most comfortable place to live is just inside your income." Perplexed Ben just stood there with his mouth open and his hand out. Eli Doon, Ben's brother, saw him standing there and took him home.
I ambled on and called in to the pub, 'The Gay Wrights' it was run by Phyliss Apint, a genial landlady, had a hip replacement recently. She glanced up and reached over to the pump and drew me off a frothy pint.

"The usual?" she enquired. "No." I said, "I just have a packet of pork scrathings." She looked at me, looked at the pint and then sank it in one huge swallow. "One swallow does not a summer make." I ventured. "Shut it" she said. I thought I had better try a new tack, conversation wise...

"Er, I heard that they are asking the gnomes of Zurich to run the National Health." Ivan Itch was standing at the bar, staring at my pork scratchings, I said "Keep your eyes off my scratchings, you need to get into shape my lad." He tore his gaze away as I upended the packet and the last of the scratchings into my mouth. " I am in shape," he said, "round is a shape."
"Ivan" I said "the only way you will lose weight.... is to keep your mouth shut." Phyliss came over, "Are you having a drink, or what?" I said, "Everyone should believe in something. I believe I'll have that drink."

You see my only consistency is my inconsistency. Horace Cope piped up, "Just the one then is it?" " I'll stay for another if you are buying Horace," I said. Reggie Ment used to drill it into me, "Drink sensibly.... be around for the next round."

Well I was, and I was and I was...... until I found I was in a heated discussion with Stan Bye and Mark Mywords. I remember saying, "I don't have an attitude problem, perhaps you have a perception problem...... " That's when it sort of went black and then there was a series of exploding lights and then nothingness........
Flo Swiftly was the ward nurse and she told me..............
Ah, but that's another story.

Adam responded: "Don't be silly, you are the only woman on earth" and went to sleep.

Later that night Adam woke up, feeling a tickle in his chest and saw it was Eve. "What the heck are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm counting your ribs" she responded.

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I love to have a muse....... now............ and again. Sort of let the mind wander and reach out from time to time and latch on to a random thought. I was doing that the other day.......... questions.....questions... questions..... Like

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God must have loved calories...............that is why he made so many of them. I have concluded that there is one thing worse than letting a fool kiss you, and that is letting a kiss fool you. They say, "Aye you can't turn the clock back." You can, you can, in October! I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she has been giving me lately. I haven't spoken to my wife for eighteen months....... I don't like interupting her. Another thing, have you noticed that Leftists are the first to speak up for their rights. I worked like a horse to earn my money and my wife spends it like an ass.

User friendly computers vastly out number computer friendly users.My biggest problem is I believe everything I say........ I do !

Well enough musing for today............ I can hear the dulcet tones of the lady I married warning shipping to keep clear of the rocks.

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Q. Why should you always keep a picture of your mother-in-law on the mantlepiece?
A. To keep your kids away from the fire.

Q . How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Aaah! What the heck, she can do the ironing in the dark.

Q. What do you call women that want to be equal with men?
A. Unambitious.

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As I have often been told...... it is no good getting the needle if you have lost the thread. Repartee being my forte I came back with the reposte, "Paranoia is a hard act to follow !" I don't know about you guys but I find having an arguement with my wife is like trying to have the last word with an echo. I said that to a mate of mine and the smart **** said, "I don't know about that Daffyd see, I've never argued with your wife."

"Listen here boyho" I said "You could improve your development if you took yourself off and sat in a dark room."
My mate he's an alcoholic musician.............. he can't get past the first bar. He said to me once, "If you ever get driven to drink mate, make sure you get a lift home." Nice of him wasn't it? Nice ! I like a drink but I am not to happy with the moaning after the night before. I'm not going to fast for you am I boyho? Type a little slower shall I ? There, how's that?

I never told you this before have I? I was called to the bar when I was eighteen............. and I've never left it. Humour I find is boundless and all people see things from a different angle, but only when they are so inclined. In this compensation culture which besets us I figure that the ultimate claim for compensation must be, being conceived without your consent.

Did I tell you about the blonde student who went to take her exams, a series of yes/no questions. No? Well, she took her seat in the examination hall and when told to start she sat and studied her paper for about five minutes. Then in a fit of desperation she took out her purse and rummaged about for a coin. This he flipped up in the air and when she caught it she marked off one of her questions. Heads for yes, tails for no. Within half an hour she had completed the test and the rest of the class were still sweating it out.

During the last few minutes she was seen furiously tossing the coin and ticking off the answers, muttering and sweating. The moderator was quite puzzled. He walked up to her desk and asked what was going on.
She looked up at him and said, "Well I finished the exam over half an hour a go, now I'm checking my answers."

Well, I owe, I owe, so it's off to work I go.............

Q. Why are men like linoleum?
A. Because if you lay them right, you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.

Q. How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Who knows? They never get the house.

For instance..... Keeping in shape, you gotta keep in shape. My grandmother taught me that. Do you know she started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is ninety seven now and we don't know where the hell she is.

I was in a shop the other day and I overheard a sales lady saying, "Now I can only please one person a day and today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking too good either." She then turned to her colleague and carried on with her conversation."As I was saying, men are like fine wine, they all start out as grapes and it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you would want to have with dinner. Men my dear, are like coffee. The best ones are rich, warm and keep you up all night. A lot of men these days are like lava lamps, they are amusing to watch, but not very bright."

Listen you guys if your wife was yelling and hammering at the front door and the dog was scratching and barking at the back door, who should you let in first?
The dog dummy, because once you let it in you know it will shut up.
I was telling a neighbour how I apprehended a burglar as he was trying to break into his house whilst he was on holiday. The burglar was half way through an enlarged cat-flap when I gave him a good hard kick up the a*** "Rectum, rectum!" said my neighbour. "Wrecked him? I varn nye killed him."
Do you know my neighbour is so stupid he couldn't pass a blood test. Why he even took a ruler to bed to see how long he slept. His wife is just as bad she put lipstick on her forehead, she was trying to make-up her mind. She is so ugly that they did not bother to give her a costume when she tried out as an extra for Star Wars. And old, why she is so old that when she went to school they did not have any History classes.

Do you guys know why women have smaller feet than men?
So that they can get closer to the stove.

Here is a tip for you young single guys, don't spend two pounds having your shirt dry cleaned. Donate it to the Salvation Army. They wash it, iron it, put it on a hanger and you can buy it back for 75 pence.

You know, I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Now suppose you are an idiot, and suppose you are a Member of Parliament........... forgive me I repeat myself.

But enough about me........... how do you think our little tete - a - tete went..... you didn't have much to say....... cat got your tongue has it?

If not, why not e-mail me and put forward your point of view?

She is not 'easy' She is ' horizontally accessible ' She does not 'nag you' She becomes 'verbally repetitive '

She does not have a ' killer body ' She is 'terminally attractive '

He is not a ' bad dancer ' He is ' terpsichoreally challenged ' He is not 'balding ' He is in ' follicle regression '

He does not get ' falling down drunk ' He becomes ' accidentally horizontal '

He does not act like a ' total ass ' He develops a case of ' rectal-cranial inversion '.

Zebediah went into the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters whose job it was to fertilise the eggs. Zeb kept records and any rooster that did not perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time, so Zeb got a tiny set of bells and attached them to his roosters Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which roosters were performing. All he had to do was listen to the bells. Zeb's favourite rooster was old Cocky a very fine specimen he was to, but on this particular morning Zeb noticed that Cocky's bell had not rung at all!!!!!
Zeb went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets.... bells a ringing. However the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Zeb's amazment Cocky had his bell clapper in his beak so that his bell did not ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk onto the next one. Zeb was so proud of Cocky that he entered him in the County Fair.Cocky was an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize, but also the Pulletsurprise.

Then there was the two elderly ladies eating breakfast in the dining room of the rest home one morning when Ethel noticed something peculiar in Mabel's ear. She said, "Mabel do you know you have a suppository in your left ear? Mabel said "What?" Ethel repeated her observation to Mabel. "Have I?" She pulled it out and stared at it, then she said "Ethel I'm glad you spotted this thing, now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

Good grief is that all the time it is already I must get a little watch put on this hand. How have you been doing? Alright? I have been a bit under the weather recently, almost reached the end of my tether, but I just tied a knot in it and hung on. Well, you do don't you? I felt I needed to do something, but I should not have worried I feel if you are itching to do something you'll soon come up to scratch. Making a dream come true is easy, keeping up the instalments isn't. How's your love life going? Me? Oh I'm enjoying myself, you've got to at my age before Father Time tarmacs over your sex drive.
Two hungry cannibals were walking through the jungle when the came across a man who had recently passed away.
One cannibal said, "Hey man, (Mugomba una) look at this ( perceive innat) Lunch! (Monja) You start at the head and I'll start at the feet and we'll meet in the middle. (Commenca bonsa moi commenca platesof hi centrefold)
So the two cannibals start eating.
After about half an hour one cannibal stops eating and looks up and says, " I don't know about you but this is great. How are you doing?" ( Ignorantus thickwan fantasti. Bellyfulluptus ?)
The other cannibal answers, "This is great I'm having a ball" (Fantsti)
His companion said, " Hey! Slow down your eating too fast!

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You have to hand it to them don't you? No, not the cannibals, the Yanks.

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A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs whilst the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position'.
"Sir I have a problem with that passion business" responded one jury candidate. "During my first marriage I found my husband in bed with my neighbour. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea I could of shot him."

The juror was not selected.

For every situation............. there's a problem