Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the autopilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese,"

"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"

"No, no," the copilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."

Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence.

"No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces.

"Why not?" asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic."

"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same!"

All same.... you no likee Chinese joke?

So I heeded all the warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
and always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My doctor found a lump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that bump.

"Stand up very close",she said
As she got my boob in line.
"And tell me when it hurts", she said,
"Ah yes! There, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down,
My boob was in a vise!
My skin was stretched and stretched,
From way up under my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.

Excruiating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tits.

"Take a deep breath," she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine.
And woozy I am getting.
"There that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now let's have a go at the other one"
"Lord have mercy," I was praying.

It squeezed me from up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet she's never had this done,
Not to her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped, KER-POW!

This machine was designed by man,
Of this I have no doubt,
I'd like to stick his jools in there.
And see how they come out !
Ouch...Ouch...Ouch...Ouch...Ouch...Ouch...Ouch...Ouch...Ouch...Ouch...!!!!!!
NO!.......not my jools...... Oh! Please....... not my jools.............. Ah haaa ah!
Then of course chaps..... there is the Manogram.....

NUTS! Whole hazelnuts.... Day is light and I cannot go home!

After passing three tripe shops 'e 'appened to come
To a place 'e'd not noticed afore,
'Twere a shop where they sold different live stock and pets...
A kind of menagerie store.

'E stood gawpin' in t' window at pups, slugs and birds,
All int'rested like as could be,
When a voice near at 'and seemed to shriek in his ear
'Eeh, Lad, Ah knaws summat 'bout thee.'

'E were that surprised, that t' shopman inside,
Having noticed how Sam had turned pale,
Come outside to see if owd Sam wanted owt,
He were keen like on making a sale.

'Nay Lad, there's nowt theer that I want to buy.'
And then e' went as red as a carrot,
'But that theer thing's champion by gum, I'd like 'e."
And the shopkeeper yelled 'What! That parrot?

But no lad, tha reely could not afford 'e
Unless tha can spare fifteen quid,
An' even at that price I'd lose on the deal,
She cost more'n that... that she did.

Owd Sam were crestfallen, but then an idea
Must have entered the shopkeeper's head.
'Theer's only one thing tha can do, lad, says 'e,
Take two of 'er eggs 'ome instead.

They're two bob apiece, an' all tha's to do,
Is to just shove 'em under a hen,
An' tha'll 'ave a parrot like that in a month,
Aye they're bound to be 'atched out by then.'

Well, Sam dubs up brass and goes 'ome with th' eggs
As pleased wi' 'imself as could be
And the Parrot's last words seemed to ring in his ears
'Eeh, Lad, Ah knows summat 'bout thee.'

Now it must 'ave been fully six months after that,
When Sam went down t' High Street once more.
An' 'appening to pass by that very same shop,
'E 'eard someone calling from t'door

'Eeh Lad, 'said the voice, 'but ah knows about thee.'
Said Sam, 'Aye but tha's out of luck!
'Cos Ah knows summat 'bout thee too, owd lass,
Thy bloomin' 'usband's a duck!'

As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or
make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says:

"Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear.

He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom.

Be strong and I love you, too."

The researcher was interviewing a 90-year old couple married for 70 years. He asked, "Do you still have sex?"

"Sure we do, but the second time takes a bit longer..."

"WHAT??? Twice at YOUR age?"
.
"Sure, In April it is great, but in October, our arthritis kinds of slows us down."