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Fun Stuff |
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Repartee | |
| Repartee, the gift of making a witty reort.
Have you ever been in the position when you needed a witty retort
and your mind went blank?
Let us see if we can do something about that. Now you won't remember them all, but one or two will stick in your mind.......... like.... A man who is wrapped up in himself makes a very small parcel. She wanted to live life in the fast lane but she married a speed bump. Don't get me wrong, my wife is one in a million, but where were the other 999,999 on the day I met her? If your eyes are the windows of your soul why are your curtains always closed? Many hands make a tall horse. ( Think about it) Marriage is like a violin, when the beautiful music is over the strings become apparent. She is not old..... just well marinated. Times heals nothing..... it merely re-arranges your memory. If you find you are not making waves, then you are not kicking hard enough. If it takes a lot of thought to say what you have got on your mind.... give it more thought. We will come back to a few more of those......
in the meantime.... have you heard this one? |
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| The importance of pronunciation!
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| On a visit to the United States Charles
de Gaulle was honoured at a banquet at the White House
Seated beside his wife was an official who spoke no French, but who tried to engage her in conversation by asking, "Madame de Gaulle, what do you think the most important thing in life is?" "A penis" she replied. Overhearing her husband said gently, "I
believe, my dear, that in English it is pronounced....... 'appiness!
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| Does Cold Water Clean? | ||
| A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather
in a very secluded, rural area of the State
After spending the night, his grandfather preared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied.... " those plates are as clean as cold water can get 'em so go on, finish your meal." That afternoon while eating the hamburgers that his grandfather had made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yolk. So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his hamburger, his grandfather said, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore." Later that afternoon, as he was on his way out to get a paper, the dog started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out." he complained. Without diverting his attention from the football game, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater! Move!" |
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| V iagra quickies 2
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| A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra
prescription exclaimed over the £10/pill price.
His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: "Oh, £40 a year isn't too bad." Then there was the man who got his Viagra tablet stuck in his throat and suffered from a stiff neck. Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you're up all night. How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb? One little tablet, and it's a whole new bulb. Men are being warned not to take Viagra with nitrates after five gentlemen in India did so and changed the balance of power in the region. The Viagra computer virus turns your floppy disk into a hard drive. The Viagra Super virus then sucks all your data off the hard drive. If you're depressed and think you might need Viagra, see a professional. If that doesn't work, see a doctor! A guy named Dave emailed us that he left his Viagra tablet in his shirt pocket when he sent it to the laundry. Now, his shirt is too stiff to wear. We received the report today that it is no longer necessary to stake tomatoes. Just dissolve a Viagra tablet in the water and they stand up straight and tall. Viagra is now being compared to Disneyland - a one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride. Give it up... ??? "
I haven't startyed yet " said the Bishop to the actress In the Restraunt.......?
The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potato at dinner. So that night at dinner she does. About a week later she's back at the doctor's. She says, "Doc, that pill worked great! I put it into the potatoes like you suggested. It was hardly five minutes later, he jumped up. rakes all the food and dishes on the floor. grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravishes me right there on the table." The Doctor says "I'm sorry we didn't realise the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Na'ah" she
says, "that's O.K. WE wouldn't go back to that restaurant anyway!"
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| Mrs Smith threw her arms round her husband
when he came in from work.
"I have great news" she said. "I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby. The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure we can't tell anybody." The next day, Mrs. Smith receives a telephone call from Universal Electric Company because the electricity bill has not been paid. "Am I speaking to Mrs. Smith?" "Yes...speaking." UEC guy: "You're a month overdue, you know" "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman. "Well, madam, it's in our files" says the UEC guy. "What do you mean it's in your files......HOW???? "Well...We have a system of finding out who's overdue." "Oh no!!! This is too much...." "Madam, I am sorry...I'm following orders. I have to inform you that you are overdue." "I know that...Let me talk to my husband about this tonight.. He'll speak to your company tomorrow." That night she tells her husband about the call and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the UEC office the next morning:- "What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue! What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. "Just calm down." says the lady at the reception at UEC. "It's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us." "PAY you? And if I refuse?" "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off." "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks. "I don't know." the Receptionist
replies. "I guess she'd have to use a candle. |
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| A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs
and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Victoria.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking
to that little SHIT on your knee." |
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| There is a time in everyones life that
they withdraw themselves from the rat race and contemplate.( What?
Not done it yet?)
Now I have done just that on several occasions. On this last occasion I thought now, let's put all these thoughts together and see what we have. It is amazing what I came up with..... here look at this... How come wrong numbers
are never busy? |
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| Another thing that bugs me is medical
terms. Do you understand them? They can be quite amusing when you
put your mind to it. Go on, what else have you got to do? Here, here's
some........
Medical Terms that are kind of funny!
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| LITTLE JOHNNY STORIES |
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| A new teacher was trying to make use of
her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone
who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" |
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| Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as
his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then b egan removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" |
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| A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers
was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus
Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted
to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long
time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where
is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! ! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!" |
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| The math teacher saw that little Johnny
wasn't paying attention in class She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!" |
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| At Sunday School they were teaching how
God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child
in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told
him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week
his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." |
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| Little Johnny's kindergarten class was
on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures
tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of
the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the
photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?" |
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Little
Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
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MEANWHILE
BACK AT THE NURSING HOME Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone
in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just
what you're wanting, for 5$ I'll have sex with you right over there
in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For 10$ I'll do it with you on that nice
soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room,
light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've
ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts
digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 note and
holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the
old man.
"Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair."
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Two Jewish businessmen met at a resort.
One who
had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up late in the morning. I have a fantastic breakfast and then I lie down on my veranda and relax. I go inside for lunch, have great salads, the best coffee, and I go out and lie on my veranda again. When it gets dark I have a great dinner with the finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my veranda again." The other Jewish gentleman acknowledges that this is a
life to be envied. Later he reported the conversation to his
wife.
She asked, "What's his wife's name?"
Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think its Veranda."
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Eating Cheese Late at Night I wrote a letter to Stephen
And yes, I did eat some cheese
So if this letter is rambling
Then you know that it is just the breeze.
And that breeze of change is blowing
Throwing out all I ever grasped at
Until I am left with nothing
Except that the world is flat.
I think I was born under a bad sign
'Cause I've been down since I could crawl
If it wasn't for bad luck and trouble
I would have no luck at all.
So I guess I'll take my hopes and dreams
And put them in a hole
Because the world is flat and ignorant
A reflection of my laid-back soul.
When the student is ready, the teacher appears
In statues sculpted from Jade
Time to punch the clock and break your back
To pay for the mistakes you've made
My soul is weighed and is found lacking
In might and determination
And don't forget those toxic twins
Fear and Procrastincation.
So, Death makes angels of us all
Gossamer wings where we once had shoulders
But just like the myth of Sissyphus
It's our lives that make those boulders.
But this is not a diatribe
Of someone who is sad
It is just a poem, a play on words
To amuse my dear old Dad.
N.H. Burt. |
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God is the name for Mother I was sitting alone, on my front step
Poking at the hole in my broken heart
When I realized that God was dead
And an actor plays His part
"This cannot be the way...!" I cried aloud
With malice in my voice
When a leaf floated down beside me
And I remebered a woman name 'Joyce'
This leaf was perfect in all respects A treasure like no other
For on the lips and hearts of kids
God is the name for 'Mother'
"Where have you been, all these years........?"
I looked to the Actor for a clue
"I'm in your head and your heart, you ass....!
I am sitting here right beside you"
So with that in mind I looked around
And the tree above me beckoned
A photosynthetic canopy in Time
Her eternity held in a second
Thus God is not dead, but very much alive!
In a world that is all around me
A wife, a mother, a leaf on the ground
Her divinty there to guide me
She said "Don't be a teacher, a liar or a fool
A joker or a dancer....."
For that which you seek is already here
When you are still, you'll find your answer
So I hope in my last moments
I'll remember the leaf and the conversation
Because in those few seconds she'll hold us near
And will forgive my antici......pation N.H.Burt |
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