She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat under a sign that said, 'The Gold Dust Twins Are Coming' and I had to smile.

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Sloan's Liniment Will Reduce The Swelling' and I had to grin.

"Then she placed herself under a sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick' and I could hardly control myself.

"BUT....when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident.'

I laughed out loud!"

"Case Dismissed," said the Judge.

We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and
took her to the vet. She had no name so we named
her Pussycat.

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said
he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband, (the complainer) said,"OK, but don't forget
to wash her. She stinks."

My husband and my vet don't see eye to eye. In fact,
they don't get along at all. He calls my husband El-
Cheap-O. My husband calls him El-Take-0. They
love to hate each other.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his
doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor's
office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side
door opened and in leaned the vet.

He had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked
straight at my husband and said, "Your wife's pussy is
finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose.
And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who
the father is!" And he closed the door.

The farmer said, "Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's
what they are. I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See,
they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling
around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after
a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a
horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing
the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods.It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see anyother buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground.The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"

The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time.

I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"

The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition:

You cannot mess around with my granddaughter."

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble.

I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."

The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst

Chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was

She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship.

And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man sneaked into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum.

The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself,

"Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying: "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest."

"What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle."

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock.

Outside the window is a third sign saying: "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost."

People came from all around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience".

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique watch from his pocket. I want each of you to keep an eye on this watch. It's a very special watch, it has been in my family for 6 generations.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch!"

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off of it's polished surface Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. Shit !!", said the hypnotist

It took 3 weeks to clean up the theatre.

No matter how many times I make love, I still want to make love again. Is there anything you can give me for that?"

"Just a moment," said the prim lady, "I'll have to discuss this with my sister."

A few minutes later she returned. "The best we can offer," she said, "is two hundred dollars a week and a half interest in the business."

And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior,which is Christ the Lord."

"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to be strolling by.
As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover.

"And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too." Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife.

"That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen,too," he said. "No court can resist that."

Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?" "Snowpersons," cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward religion. Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter," he quipped. "We're not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full," said Mary. "Whatever," said the painter.

Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood ." The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for them. "I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies.

With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate religious character.

An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot.

"I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are "penned environments" where animals are incarcerated against their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.

Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring to the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said the halo on Jesus' head was elitist. Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly woman. "Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?"

"None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you that the Magi are here." Sure enough, the three wise men rode up. The crowd gasped, "They're all male!" And "Not very multicultural!" "Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magic. "Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted. A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.

A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and your son will change the world." At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face. The woman spoke again: "There is one thing, though. Religious holidays are important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Season's Greetings'?"

Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the message, 'Hello, it's winter'?" "That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could make it big in midwinter festivals, if he doesn't push the religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver." "Let me get back to you," Mary said.

Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago".

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him

and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really, " he said, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck." Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said

"I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

His home's a humble bungalow
And her's a penthouse flat
He cannot go where she can go
And that, they say. is that.
He never can be near her
Although she knows he cares
For Dachshunds with erections...
Can't climb stairs.

You want to win a woman?
Just be cool... be aloof
The dog who doesn't hit the stairs
Can make it to the roof.
The dog who doesn't care
Will be the dog who wins the day
You'll never get to heaven...
With your chopper in the way.

The spirit soars, the body falls
And heavy lies the heart
That cries out with the pain of love
Be still my broken part.
How painful is the passion
And painful the repairs
For Dachshunds with erections
Can't climb stairs.

The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked,
"It was interesting man, why did you run away?"

The other boy replied, "My Mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something turning to stone,
so I ran."

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after twenty years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured that she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.She looked down and...... saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure

device...... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went ballistic!

"You...you... impotent B*****d" she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all these years? You had better explain yourself!" The husband looked her straight in the eye and calmly said,

"I'll explain the toy........ you explain the kids!"

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all
your crose." The woman did as she was told.
"Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad.
You haf Ed Zachary Diseaz. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf
sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary
Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease is when your
face look Ed Zachary like your a**"

"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"

"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.

"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"

"Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll."

The Indian doesn't have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post.

"I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."

"Why?" asks the confused clerk.

"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap off an Indian."

She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands

"Ah, actually no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need for you to give him a message," as she continues running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slowly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Please tell him," she whispers " That there's is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the women's bathroom..... thank you