Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the play.

Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time. So he pulled on his mother's hand and said,"Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"

The man, gratefull as he is, tells the king that he's really a great sorcerer, and gives the king three wishes. The king looks at the Sorcerer and says "OK, then I wish to be immortal", the sorcerer replies "Puff, it's done. " The king takes a knife and stabs himself and nothing happens, then he says "OK, then I want my horse to be immortal ." The sorcerer replies "Puff, it's done". The king, happy as can be, stabs his horse and nothing happens, then he says "OK, then I want my horses genitals."

The sorcerer replies "Puff, it's done". The king, still happy, jumps on his horse and rides back to his castle, in the doorway he meets his friend Peter, jumps off the horse and tells Peter that he's now immortal.

Peter laughs, but the king gives Peter his knife and says "Here stab me with the knife." Peter stabs the king as ordered and nothing happens, then the king shows Peter that his horse also is immortal, and replies "That's not even the best part look at this" and the king drops his pants. Peter looks at the naked king and screams out loud

"Damn that's the biggest pussy I've ever seen..."

"Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously,

"PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

You know like Boots, the cat that lives next door. Boots could be called a pussy or better yet, pussycat." That didnt compute with what Tod heard on the playground that day, but he continued, "Mom, what about a bitch? What is a bitch?" She pursued her puritanical theme by answering, "Tod, an adult female dog is commonly referred to as a bitch. But Son, where did you hear such words?"

"From the fourth-graders on the playground, Mom," he replied.

"I think you should play with your second-grade friends and stay away from those fourth-graders," the mother stated. Later, Tod found his dad working in the garage. He went up to his dad and asked, "Dad, whats a pussy?"

The dad contemplated how he should answer this delicate question.Then resolving that an honest question deserves and honest answer,he reached up on the top shelf of his tool bench and took down a copy of the Play Boy magazine.

He pulled out the centerfold and laid it on the workbench. With a felt-tip pen the dad drew a very tight circle around the vulva of the nude playmate-of-the-month.Pointing to the centerfold and looking his son square in the eye, the dad said, "Tod, Son, everything inside that little circle is called a pussy!" "WOW," said Tod as his eyes bugged at the small circle.

Now that made more sense about what he heard on the playground that day. "Dad, Dad, then whats a bitch" Tod asked? "Tod, a bitch is, a bitch is everything outside that circle!

The priest asks the nun "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?" The nun agrees and shows him her breasts.

"May I touch them?" The nun allows him to. The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are.The nun then asks "Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours?The priest drops his drawers.

"May I touch it?" After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection.

The priest says, "you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!"

"Is that right" the nun replies? "Yes."

"Then why don't you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!"

Field Trip

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants and began hoisting the little boys up one by one - and in some cases, holding onto their "weewees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 4th, but thanks for the lift."

A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about."

"Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn-out, so I gave her a pair of your shoes that you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the colour didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore."

"Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' So, here we are!"

Is it my turn now? That was a damned fool question I should of quit when I was ahead.

Soon he walks back up to the Pope..."Uhh...your greatness, are there any nun dwarves in the United States?" The pope sighs slightly and says "No Dopey there are no nun dwarves in the United States"..so Dopey runs back to the bushes and after more mumbling with the others he walks back up.."Umm...your Supreme Highness, are there any nun dwarves in Europe?"..Now the pope being slightly frustrated says" No Dopey, there are no nun dwarves in Europe; in fact, I am positive there are no nun dwarves in the entire world. Why do you keep asking?" Suddenly he hears the other dwarves start chanting in the bushes, "Dopey screwed a penguin!! .......................... Dopey screwed a penguin!!!"

Oh my ! Does that mean everybody will be calling me Dick Head?

A wee toatie wummin, went tae the Doc's, an says, Ah'm a' scadded up at the tap ae ma legs, an ri Doc' took a look, an' wrote oot a prescription, an' she says, Wul' ah' jist take it doon tae ri' Chemist's ?? an' he says Naw, take it tae ri' cobbler, an huv um take three inches aff yur wellies.!!!

An undertaker, went tae an irish hoose tae dae his joab oan a bloke, that passed away. He came oot ae ri' room an' intae ri' kitchen, an there wis a few peepul 'ere. He says, Ah' furgote tae bring ri' trestles, fur the boady, Kin ye gie me three chairs fur the corpse?? An a' ri peepul stood up an says, Hip, Hip, Hooray!!

Annura Irishman decided tae go oan a safari, an jined up wi a crew that wis gaun. The big game hunter, explained a' aboot it, an' telt thum that they hud tae be careful' lookin fur big game. Anywey, the Irish joker, wis gaun thro' ri trees, an he came acroass a stoatin blonde, sittin' oan a rock, an' he says tae hur, Hey, ur you gemme??? an she says, Aye,an he shot hur!!

Three cockeyed men, were up in front ae a cockeyed Judge, an' ri judge says tae ri furs wan, Whuts yur name?? an' ri second wan says, John Smith!! an' ri judge says, Ah wisnae talkin' tae you!! an the third wan says, Ah' never even opened ma mooth!!

A lady in her late 40's went to the plastic surgeon for a face lift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob."

This small knob is planted on the back of the woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Fifteen years later the woman went back to the doctor with 2 problems.

"All these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results.But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyesand the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

A man walked into a Supermarket,not realizing his zipper was down.
A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."
This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went away looking a bit puzzled.
He was almost finished his shopping when a man came up to him and said "Your fly is open."
He zipped up and finished his shopping.
He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him

about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her.
When he reached her counter he said,
"When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier in there at attention ?"
The cashier thought for a moment and said,
"No,I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

It was on the stroke of midnight
When the painting fell off the wall,
It bounced twice on the threadbare stairs
And landed in the hall.
The hanging cord was still intact
As was the hook, therein the wall
There was nought to explain or justify
Just why that frame should fall.

It was on the stroke of midnight
Albeit, on the second day
When another painting left the wall
In an exact and self same way.
I heard it bounce, twice, on the stairs
And found it lying in the hall,
Both cord and hook were still intact
So why should two frames fall?

Oooooooooooeeeeeer!
It was on the stroke of midnight
I sat shivering in the hall,
When up jumped my cat Orion
Chasing spiders, that was all!