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| Yesterday | |
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Fun Stuff |
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St. Peter | |
| Two nuns and a mother superior are in
car crash and all three die and find themselves at the gates of heaven.
St. Peter tells them that in order to enter the gates they must answer one question correctly. They agree and he turns to the first nun and says " Who was the first man?" The nun replies "Adam." "That's correct." says St. Peter and allows her through the gates. He then turns to the second nun and asks " Who was the first woman?" "Eve," replies the second nun. "Correct." says St. Peter as he turns to the mother superior. "Now, sister, I must ask you a more difficult question because of your position in the church, I hope you understand." "Of course," she says. "OK, here goes. What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" "Ooo, that is a hard one." says the mother superior. "Correct!" says St. Peter. |
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| A cowboy meets an Indian (Native American)
herding sheep in the Black Hills. Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?" Indian: "Dog no talk." Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' all right." Indian: (Look of shock!) Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing to the Indian) Dog: "Yep." Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Dog: " Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Indian: (Look of total disbelief) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Indian: "Horse no talk." Cowboy: "Hey, horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." Indian: (Extreme look of shock!) Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing to the Indian) Horse: "Yep." Cowboy: " How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the elements." Indian: (Look of total amazement) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Indian: "Sheep lie!" |
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| Take care... | ||
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want
to Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional,
you have 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied
God, "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God
said Know what I mean? |
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| Now are ye ready lads..... a drop o' the Old Irish! | ||
| Mike and his pregnant wife live on
a farm in the distant rural regions. |
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| A drunk gets on a bus and asks the conductor how long
the trip is between Limerick to Cork. "About 2 hours," says
the conductor. "Okay," says the drunk "then how long
is the trip between Cork to Limerick?" The irate conductor says
to the drunk "It's still about 2 hours, man. Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?" "Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time between New Year's to Christmas!" |
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| It's revolutionary Paris, 1789, and three
spies from across the channel are about to be guillotined. "Do
you wan't to be beheaded on your back or your front?" The executioner
asked Smith. "On my back," said Smith. "I'm not afraid of death." So Smith was laid on his back under the blade. The executioner pulled the lever. Schlick... and the blade jammed. Smith was reprieved because no man can be sentanced to death twice. Hoskins was next. He too chose to face the knife. Again the blade jammed, and Hoskins was reprieved. Murphy was third. "Back or front?" "If it's good enough for Smith and Hoskins, it's good enough for me," and so Murphy was laid on his back under the blade. "Begorrah," he said. "Just a minute. I think i can see why it jams." |
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| Irishman went to a pet shop and asked
how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the
shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for
them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into
a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office
Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened . "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping" |
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| A man entered the bus with both of his
front trouser pockets full of golf balls,and sat down next to, of
all people, a beautiful - you guessed it - blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully. Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked: "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?" Sorry lads, I just thought
I'd squeeze that one in there. |
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| Are you still with me lads? Right... let's
get on with the craic!
Sure it's your turn to be reaching into your pocket Father, we've been round three times an' you ducked out to the privvy each time. Are ye taken confession in there, or what? Mine? Oh mine's a pint o' the Porter father, ind a bag o' the crisps. No, no any kind will do as long as they are Salt & Vinegar. Now then............ O'Connell was staggering home with a small Paddy in his back pocket
when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt
something wet running down his leg. |
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| Sorry Father....... | ||
| An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender
asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one." The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together. The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. No Father, I didn't quit drinking..... it was the fellow in the
joke. |
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| Irish Stew We've got our own recipe for Irish stew: Get some meat, some potatoes and a lot of Guinness Stout. Drink all of the stout. Forget about the stew. |
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| Would you be after hurrying with those drinks Father. Sure am as dry as Mother Teresa. | ||
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| The English landlady wanted to please her Irish lodger so on the first day she gave him a packed lunch with two slices of bread. He didn't seem satisfied so she gave him four slices the next day and then six the next until she was up to ten slices. Even this wasn't enough , so in despair she cut the loaf in half and put ham in between the pieces. When he came in that evening she asked: 'Had you enough today Paddy?' ... 'It wasn't bad,' he said grudgingly, ' but I see your back to two slices again.' | ||
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| Paddy Was driving his lorry when he saw a bridge with a sign saying 10 foot max. headroom. He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not , 'A shure I'll give it a go, he thought only to find that his lorry got stuck underneath it. Paddy sat back in his seat, poured out a cup of tea and lit a cigarette. A policeman arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door which Paddy then opened, 'what do you think you are doing? asked the policeman in a sharp tone, 'Sure I'm having me tea break, replied Paddy, 'And what do you work at? asked the policeman, 'Agh shure I deliver bridges,! smiled Paddy! | ||
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| Paddy was shaving when he knocked the
mirror off the shelf and it fell to the floor and it cracked across
the middle.
Paddy gazed in horror. 'Bejabbers, I've cut my throat,' he gasped |
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| Young Sean: 'Ma, will you buy me an encyclopedia?'
Mother: 'That I won't. you'll walk to school like the rest of the
children.' |
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| "Ah, good morning, Mrs. Murphy, and
how is everything?" "Sure and I'm having a great time of it between my husband and the fire. If I keep my eye on the one, the other is sure to go out." |
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| Paddy and Mick were nailing up the side
of a wooden house. Mick noticed that Paddy was examining the nails and throwing away every second and third. 'What's wrong with the nails?' he asked. 'Sure the heads are at the wrong end.' 'You are stupid you idiot, can't you see they are for the other side of the house!. |
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| 'If I married you Kate, would your father
give the dowry?' 'Yes Paddy.' 'And do you think he'd let us live here if we got married?' 'Yes Paddy.' 'Would he let me be the manager of the public house as well, if we married Kate?. 'Yes Paddy.' 'Will you marry me Kate?' 'No Paddy.' |
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| A Ballymena man went to a fancy-dress ball dressed as Napoleon so that he could keep his hand on his ....................wallet. | ||
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| Paddy , Mick and Liam were shifting furniture
but when Paddy struggled with a huge oak wardrobe he noticed that
Liam was missing. 'Mick, where's Liam? He should be helping us with this.' 'And sure he is,' protested Mick. 'He's inside holding the clothes hangers in place.' |
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| Tommy and the Priest | ||
| Tommy goes into a confessional box and
says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a
loose woman." The Priest says, "Is that you Tommy?" "Yes father, it is I." "Who was the woman you were with?" "I cannot tell you... For I do not wish to sully her reputation." The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "No father." "Was it Fiona MacDonald?" "No father." "Was it Ann Brown?" "No father, I cannot tell you." The priest says firmly, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys." Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and says, "What happened?" Tommy replies, "Well, I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys
and three good leads." |
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| A little old lady | ||
| A little old lady had always wanted to
join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door.A
big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.
She proclaims, "I want to join your club."The guy was amused,
but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to
join.
The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?" The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there",and points to a Harley in the driveway. The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies,
"Yep...drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under
the table." The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have
you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady thinks
for a minute and says, "Nope ... but I've been swung around
by the nipples a few times ........ |
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