Symptoms of the Senile Virus:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got a lot of gas. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time.

Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times.

You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"

"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it help me get rid of all this gas so I won't fart any more?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Then the following week I want you back here for a hearing test

your game as he trudges around the course. Well here is a few home truths...........

Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long."

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!"
Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!"

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week!"

Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old."
Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer (screaming): "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!"
Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence!"

The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

"Regret can not remember which one is you ... please keep your photo and return the others."

The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said: "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy, who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no African Americans depicted at all. they're just three coal miners, the guy in the middle went home for lunch

One particular day, the pet budgie died. I had to rush off to the office and really had not given it a second thought.

Anyway, when I arrived home, absolutely stressed out and shattered, I had completely forgotten about the matter. I had kicked of my shoes, removed my tie, poured myself a large scotch and slumped into my favourite arm-chair. My wife was elsewhere in the house doing what women do.

My 6 year old daughter came in and said "Daddy, why was it when budgie died, he was lying on his back with his legs in the air?"

I nearly choked on my scotch and wished my wife had been in the room to answer the question for me. Then inspiration took over and said as quick as a flash

"That's so Jesus could come down and quickly take him off to heaven without anyone seeing."

Well, my daughter seemed happy with the explanation and trotted off back to her room. Leaving me congratulating myself on a clever response. I completely forgot about the matter until a few week's later. Once again I was in a similar situation, in my armchair with my scotch when my daughter came in.

"Daddy, you know the other week when budgie died and was lying on his back with his legs in the air, and you told me it was so Jesus could come down and whisk him off to heaven?"

I nodded apprehensively, wondering if someone had told her another reason, which I would have to explain. Well mummy nearly died this morning I chocked on my drink

Don't be so silly; what on earth are you talking about?

"It's true daddy, she was lying on her back with her legs in the air crying, "I'm coming, I'm coming" and if it had not been for the milkman holding her down, she would have gone!"

She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks. "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

"Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said,

"There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased.

The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her

"I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.

The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

Another car pulled up near and the driver got out and said, "I always park there, you took my place!" The visitor went inside for Sunday School, found an empty seat and sat down.

A young lady from the church approached him and stated, "That's my seat! You.. took my place!"

The visitor was somewhat distressed by this rude welcome, but said nothing.

After Sunday School, the visitor went into the sanctuary and sat down Another member walked up to him and said, "That's where I always sit! You took my place!" The visitor was even more troubled by this treatment, but still he said nothing.

Later the congregation was praying for Christ to dwell among them.

The visitor stood up and his appearance began to change. Horrible scars began to appear upon his hands and sandalled feet

Someone from the congregation noticed him and called out, "What happened to you?"

The visitor replied as his hat became a crown of thorns and a tear fell from his eye,

"I took your place................. "

"I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,

"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday."

......and then there was the time she was sitting on the front porch.....
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks,

"Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks,

"What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?

A sergeant commanded the boys in Church and after the Chaplain had read the prayer, the text was taken up next. Those of the boys who had a prayer book took them out, but this one boy had only a deck of cards, and so he spread them out. The Sergeant saw the cards and said, "Soldier put away those cards."

After the services was over, the soldier was taken prisoner and brought before the Provost Marshall. The Marshall said, "Sergeant, why have you brought the man here?" "For playing cards in church, Sir."

"And what have you got to say for yourself, son?"

"Much, Sir." Replied the soldier.

The Marshall said, "I hope so, for if not I shall punish you more than any man was ever punished."

The soldier said, "Sir, I've been on the march for about six days, I had neither Bible nor prayer book, but I hope to satisfy you, Sir, with the purity of my intentions."

With that, the boy started his story:

You see Sir, when I look at the "ACE", it reminds me that there is but one God;

And the "DEUCE" reminds me that the Bible is divided into two parts; The Old and the New Testaments;

And when I see the "TREY", I think of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost;

And when I see the "FOUR", I think of the four Evangelists who preached the Gospel.

There was Matthew, Mark, Luke and John;

And when I see the "FIVE", it reminds me of the five wise virgins who trimmed their lamps.

There were ten of them, five were wise and were saved. Five were foolish and were shut out;

And when I see the "SIX", it reminds me that in six days, God made this great heaven and earth;

When I see the "SEVEN", it reminds me that on the seventh day, God rested from His great work;

And when I see the "EIGHT", I think of the eight righteous persons God saved when He destroyed this earth.

There was Noah, his wife, their three sons and their wives;

And when I see the "NINE", I think of the lepers our Saviour cleansed.

And nine out of the ten didn't even thank Him.

When I see the "TEN", I think of the Ten Commandments God handed down to Moses on a table of stone;

When I see the "KING", it reminds me that there is but one King of Heaven, God Almighty,

And when I see the "QUEEN", I think of the Blessed Virgin Mary, who is Queen of Heaven,

And the "JACK" or "KNAVE" is the Devil.

When I count the number of spots on a deck of cards,

I find 365, the number of days in a year,

There's 52 cards, the number of weeks in a year,

There's 4 suits, the number of weeks in a month,

There's 12 picture cards, the number of months in a year,

There's 13 tricks, the number of weeks in a quarter,

So you see sir, my pack of cards serves me as a Bible,

an Almanac and a Prayer Book.

The Provost Marshall who had been staring intently at the boy said, with a catch in his voice,

"Case Dismissed."

Luigi said, "Everytinga wasa perfecto except for da traina ride down."

Whaddia you mean, Luigi?" Asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she packa biga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip. Everytinga wasa Okey Dokey until we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore comea by, waga hisa finger at us and a say, 'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car.'"

"So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga luncha and start to open a bottle of nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga hisa finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car. Musta use cluba car.' So, we go to club car.

While drinkina vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No smokina disa car. Musta go to smokina car.' "We go to smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed.

We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da toppa hisa voice, 'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!'

Ah Giovanni "Next time, I'ma gonna take a da bus!!"

Wadda you think, eh?

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her we went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed dept. store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

Better put the 'Y's back on.......

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has A IDS.
A nd just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

A nd the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
A ssembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of you yo yo's--No request for them! ,
They want computers and robots..they think--I'm IBM !

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimney's and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I"ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year, now you know the reason,

I found me a redhead.
I'm going SOUTH for the season!

A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.

"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pyjama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced,

"Nothing is wrong with them!!!"

At this point the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again,

"Are my test results back???"

In addition, please also accept our best wishes for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2005, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make this country great (not to imply that this country is necessarily greater than any other country or area of choice), and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual orientation of the wisher.

This wish is limited to the customary and usual good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first. "Holiday" is not intended to, nor shall it be considered, limited to the usual Judeo-Christian celebrations or observances, or to such activities of any organized or ad hoc religious community, group, individual or belief (or lack thereof).

Note:
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms.

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher at any time, for any reason or for no reason at all.

This greeting is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting.

This greeting implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for the wishee her/himself or others, or responsibility for the consequences which may arise from the implementation or non-implementation of it.

This greeting is void where prohibited by law.

You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!

!"The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot!

Sinner! You're a disgrace tothis family -

I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificatefor £5 million.

For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club.. .(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in theRiviera, and...." "Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff" "Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl!

I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"

Pinot More. Pea..-no...-more!

Here is a heart warming story that depicts a love that, sadly the youth of the day will in many cases, not aspire to................

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter's evening.

They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.

Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look,there is a couple who have been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger,one order of French fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites. Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking.

"That poor old couple."

As the man began to eat his French fries, one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were just fine.

They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.

After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady,- "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered

"The teeth!!!"